Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

But rather to skid in sideways;

Chardonnay in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

WOOHOO! What a Ride!

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
• The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
• Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
• Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. and, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting and drinking with the boys and spent his entire salary. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

Aquarian – 11/01/05 - Jonathan Cainer: 'Excuse me please; I'm looking for Utopia. I seem to have got lost.' 'Lost? No. You are not lost. This is Utopia.' 'Really? It doesn't seem ideal to me.' 'Ah. You want the other Utopia. 30 miles south, through the valley of dragons and over the Mountain of Murderous Trolls.' 'I don't fancy that journey. Isn't there an alternative?'. 'Of course’, Do what the rest of us do. Stay here and pretend that THIS is Utopia.' Or, to put it another way, you are now contemplating a compromise. Contemplate it carefully. It is a big decision.

Dear K

I must apologise for the way Im doing this, I just wanted to get my thoughts down straight, and this for me was the easiest way of doing it. When we talk we generally end up shouting and I don’t want to shout at you, or have you shout at me. You asked me last night again, and right now I feel unable to communicate properly with you. My head is spurting forward my usual paranoia and hurt but I do want to let you know where Im at, why I have been – as you said “distant”.

Okay I readily acknowledge that this is about the way I feel about us and I would appreciate it if you didn’t go off the handle and start ranting about leaving.

Where to go back to – July? Maybe July is too far back but when we were talking then about what needed to change you said “If I start slipping (back into old habits) it probably means I really don’t want to do it your way, and I don’t want you changing your mind and coming up with a whole list of other stuff Im not doing.”

Now in hindsight, this could have been interpreted as your way of saying that you saw this whole “relationship-changing thing” as primarily something that I wanted, not something you thought needed to happen, and in that case the changes made were doomed to fail or fade.

But Im going to gloss over that little bit of paranoia for the moment because after our last argument you did make huge efforts, we got the house finished for gods sake – what a trial and tribulation that was, but because of your hard work, we did what we set out to do. Which means if we concentrate real hard and work together we can actually achieve miracles! You also made an effort to help around the house and we even went for a walk once, we never did make it to the cinema, but on the whole we did good, you did great!

Then somewhere in the midst of us working on us we changed focus and it all became about paying bills, so you took on two jobs and now we are almost back to where we were when you were working before all this started, because your out from 6.30 in the morning till 7 at night and when you do get in your tired and, understandably, just want to pleb in front of the TV. K I totally understand that your knackered, really I do, but it seems that you jumped from long hours in one job to long hours in two jobs, there never seems to be a level stage, just highs and lows. And I also know that I probably didn’t help whinging about money, but I did keep saying we would get our finances sorted once we had the house sold, that the right job mattered but we would just have to pull in our belts for a while whilst you found the right job.

To clarify I feel, at this moment in our relationship that we have taken a step back, have lost again the communication we were working on, not just the verbal but the physical communication. We don’t snuggle or touch in a romantic way, and yes there is a difference to snuggling on the sofa together and both of us sitting on the sofa with you falling asleep, using my thigh as a pillow. I feel we’ve stopped working on keeping the romance alive, on working as a partnership rather than two people living in the same space.

But other than the two of making a huge effort and working on this, being able to say “hey this isn’t working for me,” without the usual tirade or argument I have no magic way of changing or resolving the situation but you asked. If I say this doesn’t work for me, it’s not me saying, “Your doing it wrong,” its just me saying, “Can we change this, it makes me unhappy!”

Then we move onto my hormonal roller coaster, when I began taking those bloody tablets in December I know I became a hormonal nightmare. If you were pissed off at my mood swings, how do you think I felt having no control over my own emotions? You try watching adverts and trying to stop yourself crying, feeling that nothing will work out one minute and feeling like a giddy maniac in nut house the next. We both know that Im an emotive bitch and when I ask you questions like “What do you think, did I do okay” I need to know you think Im beautiful, clever and the best thing in your life. I need to feel encouraged and enthused. I try and do it for you!

Which brings into the fore my current concern. K as you know, I wear my feelings on my sleeve, nothing gets hidden, but I feel that sometimes you don’t understand this and at times I feel that I have to hide my feelings, because the feeling I get from you is one of disapproval. When Im down, sad or crying I want a hug, I want to be enveloped in your arms and told its all going to be okay, I want to feel that you are there for me even when I know Im being stupid.

And before you think, god one more thing Im not doing that she has added to the list, this has been one of the things I have always asked for, one of the things that you used to do. God look at our first night together when I knocked over that vase with the balloons, I was really upset and you just pulled me into your arms and laughingly said it would be okay. You held me tight on the nights my mum would phone up and I would get really upset, you whispered nothing of any sense but made me feel like I was being looked after, that you were there to protect me.

I’ve become the one that does all the protecting, holding, comforting, Im supposed to be the strong one, the organiser, the problem solver and Im not, I don’t want to be, at least not all the time.

Which moves me on nicely to Christmas. Now I know that I go over board, but I love Christmas, I love the run up, the silliness, the idea of hanging decs together with someone I love, of buying presents together for family and friends, of sipping mulled wine whilst things cook and silly movies play on the TV, or singing out of tune to Christmas songs. I want Christmas stockings and presents I have hinted for. (Which means you have to start listening to what Im saying weeks ahead). I want to Christmas shop weeks before the actual date, hording chocolates and nuts and gathering goodies to share.

But I feel that you don’t want to do any of these things. You don’t seem to get the “joy” of Christmas songs and carols, you don’t seem to understand the delight of a decorated Christmas tree and the total happiness presents under the tree evokes In me. Presents wrapped in a black polythene bag two nights before just don’t work for me, and yes I may poke them, I make shake them, but I would never cheat and look - That would spoil it!

To be honest, I’ve not enjoyed the last two Christmases, they have been simply about giving and receiving presents and that isn’t what its all about for me and whilst I feel I have tried to show you how good it could be if we could just get into the spirit together you haven’t tried.

Not being funny but your idea of Christmas before I came along was to get a bottle of something and sit in your bedroom watching videos. Remember that letter you wrote me in NZ you said Christmas at my parents was the best one you had ever had. That K is because we, as a family, did all the sillies – the Christmas hats, stockings, opening one present exactly at 12pm, following Santa on the internet, and mainly just enjoying eating lots, being with each other, Oh yes, and getting drunk. Perhaps next year you could at least try to find a little Christmas spirit for the season, you might find you even enjoy it more!

Support from you is so important to me K, verbal, physical whatever, but Im dreading going on stage in two weeks time because of what you said about my acting ability that night we talked. I used to think you thought I was good and that used to make me so proud of myself, but now I know what you really feel. Even if I did make mistakes in my last three plays, I feel your role is help me get through my blocks and encourage me to do better, not to tell me Im crap, and obviously scared/blocked and shout at me when Im trying to learn my lines - You have made me feel like I shouldn’t ever get back on stage!

And now we head onto the final straight - I don’t know how you have coped over the last two weeks; loosing anyone in my circle of family/friends would rip my heart out and I know I couldn’t cope without constant support and love from you and everyone around me. I need to know at all times that those I love, love me, that there are no doors closed to expressing our feelings be they happy or sad. Im never going to change, I’ve always been this way.

Your strength and fortitude through this time has been outstanding and admirable but, and this is very selfish of me, has cut me out. I have felt this last two weeks unable to comfort you because you have been cold and distant yourself. God K I wanted to cry so much for your loss on Saturday but didn’t want my emotions to “demean your sadness”, you were being so strong. All I wanted to do was hold you but when I tried to you felt like a brick wall and I felt that you didn’t want me there. I know you hate it when I get all “airy fairy” and have tried not too this last week.

When I asked you on Sunday if you wanted me to come down to London with you, you said, “You can if you want”. Why didn’t you just say yes? Why didn’t you say, “Yes, I need you to be there, I want you there.” I would have called into work, I would have left everything, but you didn’t say that and all I could do was sit quietly whilst you left.

Perhaps you didn’t want me there because you needed some time with your family, but I didn’t know and I was left asking myself “if this is how he reacts to this, how am I going to cope when I need him to be there for me.” Will he go cold and back away from me, will I be left alone, will he understand that I need him to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay…

Will he…

And K, I really just don’t know if you will.

Try to find your deepest issue in every confusion,
and abide by that."

Hmm been a bit of a strange weekend. K phoned at about 6pm Friday night to say he wouldn't be leaving London till midnight because of the traffic, he said he would call me just as he was leaving. I told him not to cause "I would probably be asleep and he would only wake me." Why did I say that - I never sleep when he is driving between London and Newcastle - I guess I just wanted to share the hurt.

Anyway pootled about on the pooter, then decided to drink my way to dawn and K's arrival. My rationale was if K was having to stay awake so I would join him. Cracked open a very nice bottle of chardonnay (cant remember exact type) and chatted via MSN to Hx, who is kindly clearing out her wardrobe, which means I will have a new look for 2005 and Bill, who isn't clearing out his wardrobe.

Not sure what time they both claimed their respective beds were calling them, but I was left alone and wondering how I was going to fill in the rest of the night. It was here that I decided that it would be a perfect time to phone Jerry, the friend I had just started communing with, so filled up my glass and dialed the number to Aus.

You know how you sometimes make those "not spoke for ages, wonder what they are up to" calls and hit a brick wall, well this wasn't one of those times. It was great, I haven't spoken to Jerry since I was 19 or 20 and then we didn't really part on the best of terms (my insecurity and paranoia and his youthful arrogance and need to explore life through various "mood enhancing substances") but time has obviously matured the two of us and we just chatted - life, love, the past, the future and a whole lot more. After an hour he called me back and we continued chatting until the back door suddenly opened and in walked K - Bugger me, was I surprised!

I said a fond farewell to Jerry and welcomed my husband home - after speaking to me on the phone he had decided the weather was going to get worse and had left to try and beat it. We were strangely polite, a little cold and very detail orientated; but thinking about what many people had said I tried not to put my own hurt first and just listened.

He talked about the funeral arrangements, about driving around London, about Jack (nephew) winning a competition and other general stuff. He hit the brandy and I filled up my wine glass. At one time we were talking about the funeral and we almost hit on how he was feeling but I guess I pushed too hard and the barriers came down and we returned to the safety of the mundane.

At about 3.30am I eventually called in tired, he said he was going to watch a bit of TV and would be up soon. I leaned across and kissed him said I was "glad he was home and that I had missed him". I told him not to be too long, and went off to bed. At 5.30ish I woke to find the bed beside me cold and empty so went downstairs with the duvet and covered him up. I lay upstairs and pondered on how distant he felt from me - I know he is grieving and having to do this his own way, but I cant help feeling just a little peed off at him -selfish, selfish me!

So as not to wake him I lay in bed all Saturday morning just reading and listening to the radio. Just after 12 I heard him coughing and felt it was a good time to get up. Hair all mussed up and drawing on his first fag, he looked like a little lost boy we mumbled round our coffee, not really saying anything, but at least being together.

The rest of Saturday was spent doing household chores and generally plebbing. TV - cold comfort for lonely souls. I said I didn't fancy cooking and could we order Pizza, he kinda pulled his face, said he would go to local shops and buy some. I said it kinda defeated the non cooking thang, I really, really couldn't even be bothered to turn on the oven, so he agreed and Pizza was ordered.

K cracked open a bottle of wine, but I didn't feel like any (must really be feeling down). We started to watch "Bone Collector" but he said he was tired and was going to bed, my turn then to stay up watching TV. I woke at about 2.30 cold and stiff, the TV happily mewling on to itself. On Sundays we usually call round our respective families and this morning was no different - only I just felt sad - the most we ever talk is when we are the phone to other people.

Then between phone calls he shocked me by asking me what was up, he said he was conscious that I hadn't been talking, that I was okay when Malcom had been here, but that he felt something was up, that he didn't want to suddenly be bitten in the butt, like the last time I announced I was unhappy. "So what the f***s up" he demanded and you know what I said "nothing, I'm not sure".

I just couldn't handle it, I switched on the comp, meaning to get him to read my blog, but he'd already picked up the phone and dialed a number , so I went and had a bath whilst he spoke to his cousin Linda. I lay in the bath thinking, "he'll see the blog, he'll read it, he'll understand" - But nope, subtlety once again proves fruitless.

So because I've reached an impasse and no longer feel able to verbalise I'm now unable to even begin trying to let him know what I'm feeling. Got so much going round my tiny brain there is no way for me to start releasing bits of it in case it all spurts out and I'm left in total freak mode and we end up saying things we don't really mean.

So this morning I got up an went for a walk, it was whilst walking in the dark, listening to the sea, that I also decided to do the "Special K" diet, you know the one where you eat kellogs cereal twice a day and have a balanced meal. If I cant control my feelings I can at least get some control in this area. Two bowls of cereal eaten and I'm feeling okay. Got soup planned for tonight - easy to do before rehearsals and K can heat up once he gets in from work.

Blueness surrounds this sorry soul but I know its not the end, nor the beginning, "life goes on and we just have to get over it". Maybe I can drown my sorrows in a box of special K?!?

Loved this - Life is clarified in a greater depth.

1. I am hungry = I am hungry!

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy!

3. I am tired = I am tired!

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now!

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay!