Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

I had a totally nasty night, with harsh words said and dinner dumped in the bin.



I said, he said we both sulked....

K also has a cold, which in manspeak equates to virulent flu so I'm sleeping in the spare room. I spent the night tossing and turning, battling strange dreams and journeying to the toilet on a thirty minute basis.

This morning the butterflies and bunnies that usually wake me were hiding, they had probably heard my mood was somewhat "sullen" and decided that pulling my covers off whilst sweetly tweeting "good morning, its a beautiful day" would be received in a verbal barrage comparable to an AK47 being fired in a small toilet.

Today definitely feels like this

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which You will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of her destructive fury.

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President, George W. Bush. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options - you can save the life of the President, or you Can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most famous men.

THE QUESTION Please give an honest answer.......
Would you select high contrast colour film?, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Picture stolen from Stans Blog

Okay, I'm an independent self minded woman (do not read that as stubborn) who feels able to cope with most things in life. I can run a ring main (with advice) I've carried heavy rucksacks up and down dales and held my own in a Regimental competition - In other words I'm not a girly girl!!!

So when people have been saying, "Oh you will have to be careful, don't lift, don't pull, don't push", I've instantly thought, "Yeah, yeah - I'm okay". So last Wednesday I've packed up my bags at work, switched off the radio, locked the door and gone to pull down the security shutter, one handed of course, cause I was also holding my bags.

There was a sound like tearing meat, with an internal ripping sound comparable to a thick material being torn in half - and I'm doubled up in total agony - I obviously said "Owchhhh" or something along those lines, but within several mins the pain subsided and I thought I was okay.

Sitting in the car I leant over to pull the keys out of my bag and again the pain hit, this is not normal thought I,so I drove home slowly and carefully.

Long story short with the help of the midwife and my lovely Dr we know "lille A" is fine, good strong heart beat, but I've ruptured the muscles in my abdomen. The outcome is I can't lift, I can't pull, I can't carry - I'm now officially a girly girl!!!

"Ohh he/she has got a memory like a goldfish!"

Meaning that goldfish have really tiny memories, but Porl sent me a document, which I've forgotten to forward to myself at work to use with this blog, that proves Goldfish are in fact quite intelligent fish...

That said, I'm still using my analogy when referring to pregnancy - I have at this moment in time got the memory capacity of a pregnant goldfish!!!

I'm not just forgetting things I've thought about doing, I'm forgetting things whilst I'm doing them.

Last week whilst putting my shoes on to go to work "mobile phone charger" popped into my head. In battling with my laces on my shoes I had suddenly remembered that I needed to charge up my phone - great recall I hear you shout.

I popped into the little bedroom, spent 5 mins searching in the drawer that I always put the chargers in, to eventually find it right in front of me plugged into the wall. Feeling I had been successful on this mobile phone charger hunting session I picked up my bag with a sense of achievement, put my charger in my bag, I wasn't going to leave it behind *smug smile* and left the trailer.

I think I only got about four paces when the morning dew soaked through my left sock and I looked down to see that I had forgotten to put on my other shoe.

I also forget words - simple words like Shop, T.V and remote control. Things have become thingy, watsit and I have adopted a weird waving hand motion meant to enable K, or whom ever I'm talking to, to understand "that thing, there, on the table is what Im talking about for Gods sake".

I've also started doing strange word associations because my brain isn't coping with the usual influx of information. I was in a meeting with Jen, a lovely associate of mine, and we were discussing courses she was running in her centre, "Fly Dressing" came up and my brain did an upside down spin and I began to smile inanely at her.

"What" she queried as I the giggle started somewhere in my solar plexes. (now I'm rereading this, that word doesn't sound right either)

"Fly dressing" I snorted "You mean they get little flys and dress them up?". Five minutes later after we had wiped the snot and tears from our faces and gaffawfed our way through the associated "outfits and seasonal wings" we looked at one another in sheer pleasure "God", said Jen "I am going to have so much fun with you over the next six months"

But worst or should I say best is my growing ability to make up words cause I'm unable to think what the right word is.... "gaffawfed" above being a prime example and my blatant use of "herbology building" in another conversation with Jen when I was referring to ...when I meant ... bugger... erm...Herbal shop, a place where you can buy stuff that is erm good for you, you know, Vitamins and seaweed and other stuff that you buy and leave in your cupboard.

Pregnancy - the best watsit (thing) in this Big space, ball (World) we are living in to make us realise that we are not so thingy (different) from the thingies that swim in the sea (fish)!

N.B. to self: Do goldfish swim in the sea?

I've been thinking about this site an wondering if its wrong for me to begin pondering about pregnancy but it also occurred to me that maybe I'm a bit late for the pondering stage!

To me Blogging is all about what's happening in your life right now and this is certainly the biggest thing that's happened to me for quite some time - if you ignore the near divorce, death in the family and moving to a trailer - my main thought however has been "is this the right forum for a never ending list of aches, sleepless nights and mood swings!"

And guess what after re-reading a lot of my other entries it looks like it is; so apologies to those who might happen upon this sight for the next nine months and be driven away by the fear of being sucked into a world of "baby talk" but babies is what's going on right now on my side of the pond.

That said my first posting is about men, this could be a biased view and I could just be talking about K, but I'm thinking its probably men in general and how you JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

K has been remarkably supportive these last 4 weeks, he has put up with my moodiness and frequent cries of "it's your fault I'm like this", and "I'm having your baby, just bloody do it, I know it doesn't make sense but I don't care". He has even managed to tiptoe carefully around my downright, doggawn, tiredness and has handled my somewhat erratic demands with little more than a sigh to the heavens and a roll of the eyes - yes I admit it I have been a little erratic, yes, me - Honest!

So where is the problem?

These last few weeks when I'm snuggled up in my bed and K is lying next to me, snoring his little dreams about Jennifer Anniston and giving up smoking, my mind starts to wonder and I start to think about how the hell we are going to fit a little being into this 35 by 12ft space, let alone our lives.

The world just seems like one big mad spinning ball that confounds me. How do you face the prospect of bringing a new life into a world where pregnant women are being raped, children abused and men are waving bombs at each other like explosive penis's?

I've totally been ignoring the madness of mother nature and the little messages she is sending us, because I know that I don't recycle as much as I should and use my car more than I should. With these thoughts and the prospect of prams, cots and baby clothes filling my carefully organised space I look at the clock and bleary eyed see it's 5.30am and I've not slept all night.

So I'm even more tired and grouchy and the fact that K has forgotten to change the toilet roll again obviously means that he doesn't care the world is collapsing into a state of degradation and lowered standards and in 6 months time we will be over run by a screaming, demanding bundle of life that we have chosen to bring into this big bad world.

So when he says sighs and says to me "what's up" I just shake my head and look at him with a sense of wonder that this fairly intelligent male can stand in front of me asking such a stupid question and I think "how come you JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!"