Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

I spend 40 minutes each day with a machine sucked on my tit so my husband can "feed" our child, gaining together time, bonding...

Its not uncomfortable, but it aint pretty... But I do it.. cause I felt it was important for K and my wee one to have time together...

Tonight I have sat watching K feeding the wee one whilst he, K watched TV, occasionally looking at the little guy, his main interest however was on the google box.

I felt demeaned and drunk, I felt sad and why, I felt wasted! I AM WASTED!

I've prepared a formula bottle, because I knew I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And then K told me I was drunk. I was but we didn't talk about why I was drunk, we didn't talk about what we would do now I was drunk for Dylan. K just left the room, in a supercilious I'm sober walk and left.

So I sit here drunk, unable to feed my baby, and totally crap, I am a fat ****, I am unloveable, am sleazy, incapable of looking after a baby...........I'm left with nothing!

We spent the weekend in Cumbria with my oldest brother Shaun and his lovely girlfriend Jo. They are just such an amazing couple and it made me realise how far down the bad road K and I really have traveled.

Their relationship started pretty much the same time as ours and although they have gone the climbing mountains and canoeing route rather than the marriage and baby route they have maintained a relationship that is based on respect and admiration.

They still sit on the couch together and tactually stroke feet, hands, arms when talking. Hey lets face it they talk to each other and it seems even when they argue they still listen to what the other person is saying.

And the thing that really hit me was how much laughter they share.

It made me feel very sad!

Its an accepted fact that most women hate their bodies, or if your like me several parts of their bodies. Other than my boobs, my pet hate was my stomach - I always wanted one of those flat, six pack type bellies, but I was blessed with a rounded kangaroo pouch, not a big wobbly belly, but I've a rounded 'Rubenesk' belly.

However having had my belly stretched over nine months, with a sudden "expulsion" I'm left with a real jelly belly and to add insult to injury stretch marks that could compete with a road map of England.

My clothes that should fit don't fit cause my body shape has changed and I'm slowly having to adjust to this change. I have to admit its hard, there are times when I look at photos of myself and shudder - hence the reason there have been no pics of me and Dylan. I mainly delete them after seeing myself in them - Vain but true!

However it dawned on me last night whilst I sat feeding Dylan that in years to come he might want to look back and see pics of us. Surely he will love me, no matter what I look like - I'm his mommie.

So here it is - the first pic of me and my baby!!!

And I cant deal with them!

My mobile battery died over the weekend, so I phoned my mobile supplier - Orange - and after a rather lovely chat I got a new battery sent out to me and an upgrade on my mobile. I was told it would take 3-4 working days for them to arrive, but they arrived on Monday so I rushed full of glee to collect my new toys.

I spent the afternoon charging and updating my phone book. I entered all my numbers - cause I hadn't saved the numbers to the sim card only the phone - and I sat staring at my new "internet, Bluetooth, gps gadget" phone. Feeling generous I offered my old phone to a friends son and dutifully cleared off all my details from the old phone.

Then, as most of us do - admit it you do it too - I began pressing buttons. I know I should have read the book and followed the destructions but hey ho, I'm a putertutor and I know about these things....

Yep you guessed it, in my enthusiastic button pressing I pressed the "return phone to factory settings" and it did. It got rid of all my phone numbers, it got rid of all the pictures and music I had downloaded, it got rid of all my preferences!!!

The word "Whhhhhaaaaaaa" comes to mind, but I'm bigger and better than that. So "huff!"

If I don't call you over the next couple of weeks, please call me, cause yours is probably one of the numbers I didn't put in my phone book spreadsheet the last time I lost my phone.