Brrrrrr went my alarm. Actually it didn't "Da,da da" went the news pips. I woke nursing a sore head, a fury tongue and a desperate need for more sleep. How did I get into this state again - a recap may be in order!
Just as I was leaving work last night Hx called me. She had read my blog and wanted to offer "worms" of comfort and fortitude. Which she did as she was diving in and out of the traffic in London. Her bravery reduces me to Garfield like grins at times and I think "This is my Friend". We chatted about her life and blog and discussed life, love and I told you so's. I left work feeling loved.
I got into my car and drove like a maniac to wards the sea. My drive home is somewhat lovely, I actually drive towards the coast and at the end of each day I am greeted by the wonder of the sea, last night she was dark and angry, the windmills whirred with a fierce ferocity I almost gloated at her darkness because - I was loved!
Tina and Rosie greeted me at the door with the usual mewling that I in my cat madness assume means "where have you been? Felix (a stray cat) has been again and we haven't got any food left. Feed us, stroke us..."
I ran round like an crazed being, one moment feeding the cats, the next watering the plants (I had promised my mum I would undertake this chore at least once a month and had forgotten to do it already). The hunt began for my shoes, why does one always displace itself into a room you could swear you have never removed your shoes in? The washing was taken out of the machine and hung, the bed covers sorted out - Bally cats - and the Hoover returned to its rightful living place. I grabbed my script and returned to the confines of the car. Bugger I thought as my stomach growled - Forgot to eat!
Because we didn't have a rehearsal last night (It being a Bank Holiday an all) an additional "word bash" had been organised at Kaths house, one of the other "thesbians". Kath and Dave opened the door and greeted me with - "we knew you were coming straight from work so your tea is in the kitchen". Hmmm life is almost perfect - vegi quiche, carrots, sweetcorn, broccoli and roasties - a glass of red wine to help it all down and the word bashing began.
On the whole we are doing really well. A few prompts, but saying your lines whilst sitting on the carpet in a living room differs totally from saying them when on stage. I need to slow down, my southern drawl is coming along nicely. Strange how once you have cracked and accent you never loose the ability to slip into it.
At about 9pm we broke for a cup of coffee and some xmas cake. Six females in a room eating cake and the conversation turned to how unfair it is that our respective partners/husbands/men folk can eat what they want and not put on weight. And even worse how they partners/husbands/menfolk, inevitably rub our noses in this calorific disdain by stuffing their faces with chocolates, biscuits and general goodies right there - IN FRONT OF US!!! There is an awful lot of warmth and encouragement coming from my fellow board treaders and I left the rehearsal feeling "loved".
Once home the gin bottle struck up a conversation with me "go on, just the one - you've had a really long day", it went. But said I, "I kinda made that non-resolution to cut back on drinking through the week" "But it was your first day back at work, you deserve it" it coaxed in its green and silky voice.
I eased my large and flabby butt (must start walking again) onto the sofa and soaked up the "wellbeing" that comes with the first sip of alcohol. The phone rang - Keefe? Nope my mum.
I have a rather strange relationship with my mum, that I will no doubt blogg on some time in the future, let us just say we agree to disagree on most things but I love her deeply. She is currently in Coventry looking after the grandchildren of close family friends, Deb and Pete, who are over in Germany praying for good news about their daughter Sarah who may have MS. The kids are driving mum to despair, but she loves to be needed so is in the best place.
That was actually why she had called me "to see that I was okay, and did I want her to come to the funeral?". I wasn't sure how to react I've only ever been to one funeral and am not sure about the etiquette of inviting guests. Just as I was about to dive into my usual sarcastic retort I suddenly realised that like me with Keefe what she wanted to hear was "yes, I need you to be there with me", so instead of biting off her head I changed my answer and said" that I would ask the family and if it was okay with them I could use her support". Spreading the love!
Feeling very pleased with myself I poured another healthy looking G&T and returned to the TV. Half an hour of plebbing - just what the Dr ordered. Sex and the city - Mirandas mom's funeral!!!! Poured myself a third G&T through tears.
Phone rang - it was Keefe. The Funeral is on Thursday next week. He will be back Friday probably.... Still cold, but he said he loved me. We said goodnight. "just one more" I mumbled as I filled up my glass again.
Ali McBeal music started and I settled once more into the comfortable arms of my sofa.Best lines.
Brian: Sometimes Ali you just don't know when your with the right person.
Ali: No but you do know when your with the wrong person.
Through more tears I reached once more for the green bottle... Okay, so maybe not just one, but just one more as a good night drink!!!
Brushed teeth and went upstairs to bed. An empty bed - rearranged the pillows to form a human shape, picked up my book "Hogfather" and realised that the writing was dancing in front of the page, how many did I have. Book down, cats ensconced on legs and the beauteous arms of sleep embraced me.
Brrr went the alarm - actually it didn't .... I was just saying to Hx yesterday that the bunnies and butterflies that used to wake me up in the morning (Think Sandy in Greese - the cartoon titles) have suddenly gone awol and been replaced with Shrek coming down from a serious acid trip.
Why does my obligatory morning barf after copious amounts of alcohol always taste of coke? I didnt drink coke last night. Luckily no sweetcorn either - now there is a mystery!
So here I sit in my little comp suite pretending to be an actual living member of the work force called North Tyneside Council. I've coaxed two learners through learndirect courses - making sense, I think, when discussing page formatting - and have replied to numerous emails about forth coming courses. I will produce a program once my head stops spinning and my stomach settles.
At 12 I enforced the 3 minute silence and then sat thinking about the loss and pain thousands of people are going through and how pittious my emotive trantrum of yesterday was. Then I thought "why 3 minutes" especially as we only honor the battlefield dead with 2 on Rememberance day. Then I thought isn't 3 minutes a long time... and my nails need a manicure and ... it was all over. The world continued on with its hustle and bustle. Am I a bad person for letting my mind wander at such a time - especially when I know for a fact its too immature to be out on its own?
I decided to spend the next hour or so blogging or looking at other blogs (I have such a great job)to see how other people do it... (Not an original idea in this head of mine)but I got bored reading about strangers lives, so I looked at all the links on Hx's site. At least these people are not complete strangers - what interesting lives they all lead; opinions expressed with wit and sarcasm when and wherever needed.
So I'm back. Blogging just for the sake of blogging. I'm still feeling "disjointed" about Keefe. He is handling his grief in his way and I'm not a bad person for feeling left out, but neither is he a bad for acting this way. I must take ownership of my own misery - after all, he hasn't told me to get all paranoid and upset because he is unable to talk to me about how he is feeling, that choice and emotion is mine. I am a much loved person and I need to remember that especially at times when I feel lost in this strange world of emotion and moods.
This afternoon I'm leaving work early because the doubleglazing man is coming to install a new magnetic cat flap. Felix will no longer persecute my felines and steal their food.
Tonight Im attending rehearsals Act 2 - must try and do a bit of line learning, I die after the first scene of act 2 so not much to learn.
Keefe is meeting with his family today to discuss funeral arrangements. I will endeavor on our next phone conversations to let him know I love him and if and when he wants to talk I'm here. Hx. can you endeavor to be there when he doesn't ;0)
Onwards and upwards with the joy of living.
Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2
Wednesday, January 05, 2005 at 1:50 pm
What happened to the Bunnies and butterflies?
Bloo said...
Just wanted to say that I've read your last couple of entries. Not to sure what to say, but I hope it helps you to realise that there are others thinking of you.
Take Care
Bloo x
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Shannon said...
Bloo as I said in my email, thanks - appreciated and glowing!
Sx
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