I know this is going to sound a little trite when you consider the deaths that have happened over the last couple of weeks, but Keefe received a phone call at 9.30pm on Saturday night to say his mum had died at 8.30pm.
Keefe when he got the phone call was very quiet and closed off, almost unemotional, and I in my usual introspective paranoid state was left feeling that he had once again blocked me out. His lack of emotion/grief meant I felt I couldn't allow myself to cry in case he felt that my tears demeaned his feelings - He says I'm way to emotive and use my emotion as a way of grabbing attention. Round and round on our emotional merry-go-round we go. I constantly ask myself why Im so concerned with the way I think other people are thinking, why dont I just ask them, nine times out of ten I know they are not thinking/feeling what I think they are, but I end up winding myself up into a introspective ball of hurt.
Anyway the rest of Saturday night was spent keeping a stiff upper lip and playing Elvis Presley Monopoly (don't ask), we, Malcolm, Keefe and I, also drank alot and ate copious amounts of crackers and cheese left over from our New Years day snack. I won Monopoly (but have to admit to some seriptitious cheating) if people dont notice is it cheating or good game manangement.
At about 2.30am both Malcolm and I agreed it was time for bed. Keefe poured another Brandy and said he wanted to watch some TV. I checked on him ever hour or so, but he just sat in the chair staring at the TV, at 5.30am I took a duvet down and covered him up as he had finally fallen asleep.
He left yesterday morning - Monday - to go down to his family in London. I asked him if he wanted to me to go with him and he said "you can if you want" I said "no, maybe this is meant to be just you and your family". What I actually needed him to say was "Yes, please come, I want you with me" but he didn't.
After he and Malcolm had left I tidied up the house. Why does dusting and cleaning the house always make me feel so much more in control? Then I drank the left over beer in the fridge and walked round the house wondering why being on your own felt better than being alone with someone you love.
I cried for Nanny Nell - lit a candle, then sat for a while and remembered her. Ive only met her a handful of times, but she has such a strong hold on Keefe that I think I was actually honouring his love and emotional bond rather than the woman herself.
I was going to blog about the New Years Day open house we had, but this kind of put things in prospective for me. A sad start for 2005, but unlike those who have lost people in the tsunami disaster we at least were a little prepared for this loss, we should I suppose be grateful for small mercies.
Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2
Tuesday, January 04, 2005 at 11:02 am
Sad News
4 comments:
said...
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Can I use part of the information from this post above if I provide a backlink back to your site?
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