Aquarian – 11/01/05 - Jonathan Cainer: 'Excuse me please; I'm looking for Utopia. I seem to have got lost.' 'Lost? No. You are not lost. This is Utopia.' 'Really? It doesn't seem ideal to me.' 'Ah. You want the other Utopia. 30 miles south, through the valley of dragons and over the Mountain of Murderous Trolls.' 'I don't fancy that journey. Isn't there an alternative?'. 'Of course’, Do what the rest of us do. Stay here and pretend that THIS is Utopia.' Or, to put it another way, you are now contemplating a compromise. Contemplate it carefully. It is a big decision.
Dear K
I must apologise for the way Im doing this, I just wanted to get my thoughts down straight, and this for me was the easiest way of doing it. When we talk we generally end up shouting and I don’t want to shout at you, or have you shout at me. You asked me last night again, and right now I feel unable to communicate properly with you. My head is spurting forward my usual paranoia and hurt but I do want to let you know where Im at, why I have been – as you said “distant”.
Okay I readily acknowledge that this is about the way I feel about us and I would appreciate it if you didn’t go off the handle and start ranting about leaving.
Where to go back to – July? Maybe July is too far back but when we were talking then about what needed to change you said “If I start slipping (back into old habits) it probably means I really don’t want to do it your way, and I don’t want you changing your mind and coming up with a whole list of other stuff Im not doing.”
Now in hindsight, this could have been interpreted as your way of saying that you saw this whole “relationship-changing thing” as primarily something that I wanted, not something you thought needed to happen, and in that case the changes made were doomed to fail or fade.
But Im going to gloss over that little bit of paranoia for the moment because after our last argument you did make huge efforts, we got the house finished for gods sake – what a trial and tribulation that was, but because of your hard work, we did what we set out to do. Which means if we concentrate real hard and work together we can actually achieve miracles! You also made an effort to help around the house and we even went for a walk once, we never did make it to the cinema, but on the whole we did good, you did great!
Then somewhere in the midst of us working on us we changed focus and it all became about paying bills, so you took on two jobs and now we are almost back to where we were when you were working before all this started, because your out from 6.30 in the morning till 7 at night and when you do get in your tired and, understandably, just want to pleb in front of the TV. K I totally understand that your knackered, really I do, but it seems that you jumped from long hours in one job to long hours in two jobs, there never seems to be a level stage, just highs and lows. And I also know that I probably didn’t help whinging about money, but I did keep saying we would get our finances sorted once we had the house sold, that the right job mattered but we would just have to pull in our belts for a while whilst you found the right job.
To clarify I feel, at this moment in our relationship that we have taken a step back, have lost again the communication we were working on, not just the verbal but the physical communication. We don’t snuggle or touch in a romantic way, and yes there is a difference to snuggling on the sofa together and both of us sitting on the sofa with you falling asleep, using my thigh as a pillow. I feel we’ve stopped working on keeping the romance alive, on working as a partnership rather than two people living in the same space.
But other than the two of making a huge effort and working on this, being able to say “hey this isn’t working for me,” without the usual tirade or argument I have no magic way of changing or resolving the situation but you asked. If I say this doesn’t work for me, it’s not me saying, “Your doing it wrong,” its just me saying, “Can we change this, it makes me unhappy!”
Then we move onto my hormonal roller coaster, when I began taking those bloody tablets in December I know I became a hormonal nightmare. If you were pissed off at my mood swings, how do you think I felt having no control over my own emotions? You try watching adverts and trying to stop yourself crying, feeling that nothing will work out one minute and feeling like a giddy maniac in nut house the next. We both know that Im an emotive bitch and when I ask you questions like “What do you think, did I do okay” I need to know you think Im beautiful, clever and the best thing in your life. I need to feel encouraged and enthused. I try and do it for you!
Which brings into the fore my current concern. K as you know, I wear my feelings on my sleeve, nothing gets hidden, but I feel that sometimes you don’t understand this and at times I feel that I have to hide my feelings, because the feeling I get from you is one of disapproval. When Im down, sad or crying I want a hug, I want to be enveloped in your arms and told its all going to be okay, I want to feel that you are there for me even when I know Im being stupid.
And before you think, god one more thing Im not doing that she has added to the list, this has been one of the things I have always asked for, one of the things that you used to do. God look at our first night together when I knocked over that vase with the balloons, I was really upset and you just pulled me into your arms and laughingly said it would be okay. You held me tight on the nights my mum would phone up and I would get really upset, you whispered nothing of any sense but made me feel like I was being looked after, that you were there to protect me.
I’ve become the one that does all the protecting, holding, comforting, Im supposed to be the strong one, the organiser, the problem solver and Im not, I don’t want to be, at least not all the time.
Which moves me on nicely to Christmas. Now I know that I go over board, but I love Christmas, I love the run up, the silliness, the idea of hanging decs together with someone I love, of buying presents together for family and friends, of sipping mulled wine whilst things cook and silly movies play on the TV, or singing out of tune to Christmas songs. I want Christmas stockings and presents I have hinted for. (Which means you have to start listening to what Im saying weeks ahead). I want to Christmas shop weeks before the actual date, hording chocolates and nuts and gathering goodies to share.
But I feel that you don’t want to do any of these things. You don’t seem to get the “joy” of Christmas songs and carols, you don’t seem to understand the delight of a decorated Christmas tree and the total happiness presents under the tree evokes In me. Presents wrapped in a black polythene bag two nights before just don’t work for me, and yes I may poke them, I make shake them, but I would never cheat and look - That would spoil it!
To be honest, I’ve not enjoyed the last two Christmases, they have been simply about giving and receiving presents and that isn’t what its all about for me and whilst I feel I have tried to show you how good it could be if we could just get into the spirit together you haven’t tried.
Not being funny but your idea of Christmas before I came along was to get a bottle of something and sit in your bedroom watching videos. Remember that letter you wrote me in NZ you said Christmas at my parents was the best one you had ever had. That K is because we, as a family, did all the sillies – the Christmas hats, stockings, opening one present exactly at 12pm, following Santa on the internet, and mainly just enjoying eating lots, being with each other, Oh yes, and getting drunk. Perhaps next year you could at least try to find a little Christmas spirit for the season, you might find you even enjoy it more!
Support from you is so important to me K, verbal, physical whatever, but Im dreading going on stage in two weeks time because of what you said about my acting ability that night we talked. I used to think you thought I was good and that used to make me so proud of myself, but now I know what you really feel. Even if I did make mistakes in my last three plays, I feel your role is help me get through my blocks and encourage me to do better, not to tell me Im crap, and obviously scared/blocked and shout at me when Im trying to learn my lines - You have made me feel like I shouldn’t ever get back on stage!
And now we head onto the final straight - I don’t know how you have coped over the last two weeks; loosing anyone in my circle of family/friends would rip my heart out and I know I couldn’t cope without constant support and love from you and everyone around me. I need to know at all times that those I love, love me, that there are no doors closed to expressing our feelings be they happy or sad. Im never going to change, I’ve always been this way.
Your strength and fortitude through this time has been outstanding and admirable but, and this is very selfish of me, has cut me out. I have felt this last two weeks unable to comfort you because you have been cold and distant yourself. God K I wanted to cry so much for your loss on Saturday but didn’t want my emotions to “demean your sadness”, you were being so strong. All I wanted to do was hold you but when I tried to you felt like a brick wall and I felt that you didn’t want me there. I know you hate it when I get all “airy fairy” and have tried not too this last week.
When I asked you on Sunday if you wanted me to come down to London with you, you said, “You can if you want”. Why didn’t you just say yes? Why didn’t you say, “Yes, I need you to be there, I want you there.” I would have called into work, I would have left everything, but you didn’t say that and all I could do was sit quietly whilst you left.
Perhaps you didn’t want me there because you needed some time with your family, but I didn’t know and I was left asking myself “if this is how he reacts to this, how am I going to cope when I need him to be there for me.” Will he go cold and back away from me, will I be left alone, will he understand that I need him to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay…
Will he…
And K, I really just don’t know if you will.
