Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

On Thursday night, whilst feeding Dylan at 3am in the morning, I espied a DVD on his bouncy chair, it was ' The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - Chronicles of Narnia'. I thought maybe K had brought it when he did the shop so thought nothing more of it, other than to tut and wonder why he hadn't even bothered to put the bally thing away.

On Friday evening he announced it was from Dylan - Yippeee my first mommies day present.

I got another present off the girls, Rosie and Tina. On the step of the caravan was a beautifully presented full sized rabbit. It was laid out so nicely it looked like it had actually been placed there by a human. I was going to take a pic, but thought it was perhaps a little gruesome. I thanked the girls and gave them some extra catnip.

My mommie loved her flowers, especially the Lilly from Dylan.

A rather yummy day, all in all!!

Ahhh, In attempting to get my blog up to date I wrote bits and pieces out whilst I had no internet, so what folks have been seeing are what I affectionately term "the early days".

Hx and Milky both called me up today after reading my early entries on this site and Dylans Diaries to offer support and telephone hugs.

I feel loved - thanks guys!!!!

Well I took the bull by the horns last night and approached K. I apologised for being a complete cow, I admitted to being a real hormonal wreck and asked for his understanding. He graciously accepted my apology and we hugged.

I then apologised to mum and dad, who laughed at me and said it was totally normal and they knew I didn't mean it, most of the time.

I felt better for apologising. Its almost like I've accepted this bad bit of me and in admitting that I'm not in control, not totally together, not able to "be happy all the time" that I can move on and deal with things.

I'm not saying I've suddenly become a nice, smiley person. Even today, after finding a little bit of peace with K, I snapped at him because he wasn't putting Dylan's nappy on properly (properly being my way). We obviously still have issues we need to deal with and I still feel unable to really talk to him, each time I try it seems we end up snapping even more but there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel - and we all know that no matter how long the road or how dark the tunnel a Llama is always bigger than a frog.

I keep reading about "the joys of motherhood", but the last two or three days have been pretty much pain and tears (Dylans Diary reveals all the gory details). Im snapping left, right and every which way at almost everyone, especially K - who is responding by not talking to me.

I'm getting so much contradictory information from everyone and feel like Im running in circles, wailing in confusion.

Added to this, the telephone line at the caravan has been cut and the site owners are being complete gits and saying that we will not be able to get it reconnected - WAHAHAHAHAA!

Jo came to visit today, she is just one of those people who infuse me with love and encouragement. Sol, her little boy, is just full of smiles and giggles. As she stood holding Dylan cooing and rocking I was awed by her confidence, one day I too will be this way!

She said something really special which set me to to thinking. Life at the moment is all about arms and who is holding who. "I have in my arms Dylan and I should be spending all my time protecting, loving and holding him. K should have his arms around Dylan and I, he should be spending his time protecting, loving and holding us and then there is our friends and family who circle K, Dylan and I, protecting, loving and holding us safe".

Things seem to be clicking with Dylan, I'm feeling kinda confident today, still sitting on my bouncy ball because things down below are UNBELIEVABLY painful, but other than that things seem to be coming together.

Okay, I know I'm hormonal, but geeze talk about bad news following bad not only have we got a leaky pipe and no water, but now the phone line has been cut off. We are definitely not moving back into the trailer this week.

In a way I'm glad because living at home right now is a godsend. Having Dad and mum around has been really special. Mum has proved to be a complete star and is really helping me deal with these first few days. Just as I'm thinking "God I'm hungry" a sandwich appears and mum takes Dylan from me and says "eat".

Just when I feel my eyes closing as I'm rocking him to sleep, desperate for sleep, her arms embrace me and she takes him from me. "Get your head down for an hour, I'll entertain him for a while".

As much as we have our differences I really don't think I could have gotten through this week without her!!!!

Dad, comes home each night and offers words of wisdom, encouragement and Grandie time. As soon as he has Dylan in his arms they both nod off, two old men in the wisdom of sleep. Then each morning he asks in whispers how things have been through the night, encouraging me with a daddy kiss and a "your doing great" wink.



Moving out of this loving embrace scares me. K and I are still not really 100%. It doesn't seem to matter how we start talking to each other, we generally end up being cold and aloof. The really sad thing is that we both have so much love to give and this is obvious when we are talking to Dylan, our voices soften and we become loving and caring in touch. I can't seem to get on top of my own emotions when dealing with K, if only I could, if only he could!

This afternoon I lay on the bed with Dylan nestled against me, his small fists needing my chest and his mouth snuffling into my neck, the sun shone through the window onto his up turned face and I was engulfed by a feeling of absolute love.

I'm not dealing particuarly well with feeding - its not the most natural thing in the world!Changing - How can a baby with only four limbs wiggle so much and Crying - how do you tell what he wants? (see Dylan's Diaries).

I'm crying lots and feeling totally unsure of myself most of the time but at times like this - Well it all feels so right.

I have big boobs so kinda figured that breast feeding would come easy.

Pah, Poohey and pish! Little Dylan can hard get latched on without being suffocated by boob. Who would have thought that a week ago my primary concern was getting a guy to love my boobs!!!

Oh and for those who dont know, breast feeding - it hurts!!!!


Why not have a look at Dylans Diary to see how things progress

I know its been some time, like over a month, but I've been kinda busy, that said I'm ecstatic to announce the arrival of Dylan Anthony Browning, born 3rd March at 6.46, 8lb.1oz.



The last two weeks or so have been totally mad and will be blogged about, but I'm adjusting to nappies, feeding and sleepless nights. Even with all that I spend most of the time looking at this little human being with a huge grin on my face.

For more information see Dylan's Diary