Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

Thursday, April 28, 2005 at 9:01 am

As we plod on...

The Play
Pygmalion is a hit - we've had two great audiences and the cast have done a real good job. The Sound though - God I should be doing it full time!

Seriously though there were a few "hic-cups"; a bit of the set was put on backwards, a couple of dropped lines and last night the two leads decided to skip two pages of text but who in the audience was to know! Everyone I spoke to really enjoyed it and it enthused me to climb back up on stage and see if I could find my very own banana skin.

Last night tonight so it will be one of tears, crashed sets and copious amounts of air kissing *Dhaling you were dhivine*.

The relationship
I think Ive done plenty of plodding these last few weeks/months and last night I made my first stride towards a different path *sigh*.

Now Im not saying Im actually going to rush down this new path, Im stood contemplating the view ahead of me and whilst it looks a little scary it also looks manageable - there's a couple of hills, a few scary forests (maybe I will see dragons and Ewoks!) but Im beginging to feel that with my friends to accompany me and bottle or seven it might be the route.

Technology
Im prone to loose it, drop it down the toilet or forget to switch the bally stuff on but this morning I beat my head upon my desk and howled at the tech gods who thwart my very existence when I switched my mobile on and read the follow message "Ive kissed a boy".

Hooorahhhh

Just goes to prove that life does go on!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 1:52 pm

Another of those tests - Life path number

Made me laugh - but then also a little true!!!

Your Life Path Number Is 11

11

Your life path is greatly associated with spiritual awareness.
As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others.
The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured.
These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society.

The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets.
Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures.
You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance.
Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature.
You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.

On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this.
For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult.
This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression.
You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak.
There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life.

Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical.
You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer.
When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high.
Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

Monday, April 25, 2005 at 3:27 pm

The Weekend passed.

The meal
I was going to blog about our night out but I'm fed up of sounding like a severely depressed wife, so I'm just going to say the meal was gorgeous - definitely up to its usual standards; if it wasn't the lack of conversation might have put a dampener on the whole evening, as it was I had some great nosh and happily slurped my way through a bottle of wine - cause I can!

Pygmalion
Yep another play coming up, technical rehearsal took place on Sunday and went well, at least K and I didn't argue that much. K is doing lights and rather than treading the boards I've decided to do sound this time. The play itself is awful, but the cast and Madeline the producer have done a good job with a fairly non-descript script. I've not done sound for years so I'm a bit hessed up about it, but there are no complicated sound effects so its should be fairly easy. Full tec and dress tonight and the first night is tomorrow.

Tina the bunny slayer

So far we have had three live mice, two dead and three live bunnies - all of whom have been liberated without a scratch. This time though the girls must have got a bit rough

So this is the first dead one - Owwwww!

Update on the streaks
Someone today told me I was looking very brown I showed them my legs and oh how they laughed.

Sunday, April 24, 2005 at 11:56 am

How normal are you.

Found this site via the other Shannon's site. Im happily 65% Normal strange though that might sound.

(Really Normal)
Otherwise know as the normal amount of normal
Your like most people most of the time
But you've got those quirks that make you endearing
You're unique, yes .... but not frighteningly so

What about you?

at 10:10 am

Divide and conquer

Well thanks to Bravisimo I was able to spend £160 odd pounds on three bra's with matching briefs and, sorry Milky NZ, an electric blue swimming costume.

Being of a larger frame (what a horrid saying that is) I decided to double check and get a proper fitting and much to my annoyance I've got up a cup size - so now I'm officially really big! When I told Hx the size I've moved up she almost collapsed on the floor laughing - thanks for the support babe!

Anyway, my bras are very pretty, if huge, and do the job in the "divide and conquer" field. The swim suite made me realise how white and pasty I was so I went out and purchased some fake - tanning lotion - it promised me a "subtle, STREAK FREE tan" I followed the instructions to a T and two hour's later the tan started to develop. Ha - Not only do I have jiggling jugs but I'm now a lovely streaky mud colour.

I am a goddess!

Saturday, April 23, 2005 at 2:42 pm

Happy Dragon Slaying Day

The Games afoot,

Follow your spirit; and

upon this charge, Cry

- God for peace (slight change)

England and St. George

Actually quite like the ideas of dragons, so if you find any please dont slay them

Thursday, April 21, 2005 at 3:07 pm

Im off tomorrow

And I have plans to be productive.

I have to go into Newcastle, which I hate, cause its full of people and crowds annoy me, to see if I can replace a ring Ive lost - good old insurance!

Find some new bras - which may be a trial in itself, but Ive been reliably informed there is scaffolding a pleanty to be found in Figleaf and brastop (only just opened up in Newcastle).

My final task is to purchase a swimming costume - which will be a god almighty trial and one that will definately need me to swim in a bottle of wine afterwards.

Have a great weekend all -be good to yourselves but nicer to others!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 at 3:40 pm

What's it all about Alfie.

This weekend has been a strange one - not only cause I got pie-eyed and waffled to Anne Marie but because K showed a flicker of his old self not once but twice and I found myself responding in a most un-natural and scary way.

The first flash came on Saturday. K had spent all day working and I'd done my normal tidy up and poodled round the trailer trying desperately not to think about not cracking open a bottle of wine or not plunging myself into deep relationship paranoia.

I attempted to stave off the former desire by drinking lots of water, doing some yoga and walking along the beach - it kinda worked, but god do I need the toilet lots!

As for the second state of self absorption I thought if I plunged myself into our wedding day it may evoke all those feelings of love and happiness I know were present then. Firstly I pulled out the pics, everyone looks so happy in them (except Hx who isn't smiling in a single pic - lol) and I felt myself beginning to grin. The only other thing I kept thinking was "god I've put on weight!"

I looked for the video a friend did - only of the ceremony and some personal messages from a few friends - but couldn't find it, I'm hoping we haven't recorded over it as it was the only copy we had.

Feeling slightly depressed that this wasn't stored with our fav videos I thought "surely if K cared about it that's where he would have put it" *Sulk* - and before anyone asks 'he is in charge of videos; I have to let him look after something - I turned to the CD's we had made up for this "special day".

BAAAAD move - I sat and blubbed for about 2hrs; patheticness at its best! Feeling at an all time lonely and pathetic I lay on the sofa and plunged myself into an abyss of primeval sadness - "Woe is me" cried out my pathetic little heart.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked K.

"Fancy going to Bruno's" (My favourite restaurant) he said and my little heart did a flip and then a bizarre and unfortunate twist began to happen - loosing all control of my facial muscles I felt my face contort into it "Nah not really" face and before I could tell my mouth to hush itself I mumbled "probably wont get a table anyway".

K not even slightly fazed said "I'll give em a ring" and he did and there weren't any tables till 9.30 which was too late but he booked one for this Saturday. K making plans - what the fluck?!?!

Then still reeling from Saturdays flash of K-ness I was plunged deeper into shock when out of no where he announced he'd been speaking to Robert, a friend of his, and Robert was doing a play in the Midlands somewhere in May and he, Keefe, thought it would be "nice for us to get away for a night, stay in a hotel"

huh, huh, whaaaaaa....

Now you might be thinking "you ungrateful cow, the guy is trying, be bally thankful" and seriously I'm still in shock over the whole thing but more importantly for me was my follow up feelings of "I'm not sure I can deal with this" .

With us outside of our pre-determined boundaries - I know I'm going to be sad where we are, I can deal with that, but what if we do these great things and we still cant find anything to talk about, laugh about, share and if I am brave enough to step out of our boundaries and we are still the same does this mean I really do have to accept that we are a dead and dying nothing?

at 7:37 am

Thanking your fairy blog mother/father

D_mans site reliably (if anything in this strange internet world is reliable) informs me its officially the day to find the person who got you started in your journal and wish them a happy day

So I must therefore send out a huge thank you to Hx, aka - Pwincess, Hooch and the woman I admire deeply for her ability to put on a deep red lipstick perfectly without the aid of a mirror and walk in heels I get vertigo just looking at.

She is truly a succulent wild woman!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 at 7:33 am

No comments...

Having problems with the site and comments. Problem being that it wont allow folks to leave comments. Ive even changed the template thinking an update might sort out the glitches.

Any ideas - if you cant leave a comment on this posting please find one you can!!!

Thanks in advance ;0D

Update
An hour later and suddenly the comment link is back. Where dat come from?
Really should do a course in Web pages!

Monday, April 18, 2005 at 3:31 pm

Get this monkey off my back!

What monkey?
The one who is drinking all my wine?

Alcohol and me
In my quest to find a sensible solution to my current relationship woes it has been brought to my attention that these last few months/years have been spent in an alcohol pickled existence. I’ve been drinking myself from one drunken evening to the next - knocking back a bottle of wine a night to get me through what I saw as the agony of my relationship.

A couple of grown up conversations have helped me see that the alcohol route Im travelling down isn’t making life any easier - in fact its probably stopping me dealing with a few home truths.

So as of last weekend I made myself limit my intake. Whilst it felt a bit strange last Friday night (Friday and Saturday are generally 2 bottles a night oblivion) I drank only 3 glasses of wine. Saturday was pretty much the same - a glass of wine with dinner and a couple when Dr Who was on. It didnt feel too bad and I actually enjoyed waking up without the hangover effect. The rest of the week I had a couple of glasses here and there but never more than three.

On the whole I’ve drank just three bottles of wine in the last week - yes I know it’s still probably too much but hey - 3 compared to 8 or 9 is a fairly big improvement.

This form of self imposed denial has meant that I feel I can honestly say that the feelings I have been going through - those of sadness, feeling that we dont communicate etc were not alcohol induced. I do feel lonely and unhappy and K and I do have some serious issues we need to resolve - but even from this clearer perspective I’m still not sure how to do it or what to do.

That said I had a friend - Anne Marie round for dinner yesterday and managed to consume a giggle worthy 3 bottles of wine between 2.30pm and 11.30pm. Which isn’t really all that bad -but its still my quota for the week - the thing that makes it really sad is K drank maybe four cans and Anne Marie had one glass of wine.

Presents
K brought me an mp3 player for easter only it didnt have radio on it so I asked if it was okay if we exchanged it for one that did.

I brought K a midi-hifi (Record player, double cassette, 3 dec cd player and radio) to replace his old one that has seen better days. I ordered it on the internet and it didnt arrive till Wednesday - bally internet.

On Sunday he sheepishly asked if it was okay to take it back and exchange it cause the sound is a bit tinny. It was strange that he proceeded the request with "you wont be mad if I ..." It made me wonder if Ive been a b*tch to live with?

We exchanged it for a CD player - HUH?!?!

Precious Legs
In yet another of my ongoing quests I brought a new potential implement of torture "Precious legs" its got a little whiry pad and it buffs your hairs away. So on Saturday night I followed the destructions and proceeded to buff away my leg hair. I dont like pain and I bruise real easily - I once had my legs waxed and looked like I had been in a serious accident for about two weeks after - I can happily say this has got two things going for it - it didnt hurt - a slight redness for a couple of hours and it does seem to do the trick - I will let you know about re-growth issues!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 at 9:33 am

Female/shemale?

I got 14/16, which I thought was pretty good.

Also means I have a minor chance of picking up a shemale on a night out!!!

How did you do - be honest?

Monday, April 11, 2005 at 8:05 am

Am I working

Hello, hello, helllo

Im working, Im working!

Phew!

Thanks to Hx for posting for me, I was begining to think that my blogging days were over.

Just had to post this cause it made me smile!

Friday, April 08, 2005 at 5:34 pm

Confusion reigns as I plod down relationship road.

Posted by Hx on behalf of Shann ('cos she's havin' probs with her system)

Yes, I'm still plodding down the old relationship road and would like to say thanks for all the advice and worms of friendship offered.

This last week though I decided to seek out new companions, to see what handle I could espy from others who have done this journey. I talked to Jerry, who has done his own hard stint on this road and came up with two points for me to ponder.

Firstly he advised me to "know yourself, who you are, really, deeply, truly. Then listen to your heart, your feelings". I tried to figure out who I am and I found it totally hard - I have so many issues to deal with, years of self-loathing hidden behind a deep desire to please everyone and be accepted that I think years of therapy still wouldn't get me to the bottom of this quandary.

Secondly he advised "don't leave K for the sake of it, and don't stay for the sake of it" which at present seems even harder to deal with. I'm so confused as to where we are and where we are going. I'm treading the same ground over and over again, getting nowhere fast.

I went to visit a friend the other day, Carole, and we talked about K and me. Carole does psychic readings only I've never asked her to do one for me because now she knows me too well and I think she would be "biased".

Anyway I met Carole about four years ago, she used to be my neighbour, and she recalled the first time we met. It was about a month before K and I got married and I apparently said to her "I've met the man of my dreams, my soul mate" and she got a premonition/strong feeling of sadness and she thought "he might be, but your going to be very sad".

I asked her why she had never told me that and she said it was because she believed I needed to go through this relationship to resolve something else. So perhaps this pain and confusion is all part of my journey to a better me – cold comfort right now.

I feel like I'm just blocking as much of the loneliness whilst trying to figure out the right thing to do. Last year K and I split up and I went to live on my dads boat for a spell. Obviously feelings I dealt with then were pain, anger and confusion but then I found a strange sort of peace in the knowledge that if we were going to part there was some relief in the knowledge that the arguments, sniping and sadness would stop.

I know I love Keefe, as I've said before - over and over again to my dear friends, who have listened to me crying and bitching and declaring over and over again that this time I mean it, we're through (thanks Hx, Bill, Peter) - if I didn't still love him there wouldn't be this much hurt or confusion.

But Carole made me realise that I'm probably more in love with the Keefe who proposed to me, the one who was tender and caring and tactile and looked after me and cared what I thought. That Keefe I idolise and smile at. Keefe and I now just don't seem to have anything in common with those two people who were close, happy and together - So sad!

I've bored countless friends with my "I cant go on this way, with this much loneliness, marriage isn't supposed to be this way” and I almost become strong enough to act upon my hurt, but then I know that I'm going to cause him so much pain, that he will be so angry, confused and not understand what I'm saying, what I need and I don't want to hurt him because I love him – god I hate being this woman!!!

But I also know he can't change, he's tried but after a time of trying we return back to our status quo and I'm forced to face the inevitable truth that I'm not happy and not making him happy and the cycle continues round and round.

Someone please stop the world. I want to get off!!!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 at 9:12 am

Being silly about a silly anniversary

Five years ago yesterday K got down on one knee and proposed!

He had travelled 7 hours in a plane, which for a consummate smoker was a great feat, and we had spent the last four days exploring the wonderful world of Boston. I had been travelling myself for five months and he had,vicariously, come with me. Without K's support from home I probably wouldn’t of had as much fun, I felt safe exploring the world whilst he was looking after my house, sorting out my money problems and sending constant words of love and encouragement.

On this day five years ago we had spent the day in Boston holding hands, talking futures and picking out a ring. We sat in the the Cheers bar, hunted for twinkies and returned to our flea pit hotel to drink Champaign and promised the world to each other.

I didn’t want flowers or even a card just a remembering - a recognition of this day.

On the way home I picked up some beer, cause I knew he didn’t have any, and wine cause I knew I didn’t have any. I cooked dinner and waited for him to come home. Unusually we actually communed about our days - we ate dinner and watched TV.

At 9.10 K announced he was going to bed, as he turned to leave I mumbled "happy engagement anniversary - 5 years!" to which he replied "oh yeah, so it is". Returned to peck me on the lips and went off to bed!

Is this a male thing?

Am I doing a "female thing"?

Am I wanting too much? Most guys will probably be thinking "what the fluck is she going on about, its no big deal - its not even a proper anniversary" but it is to me and, well, it just feels like one more sadness for me to store.

Monday, April 04, 2005 at 3:55 pm

They say time heals....

but how do you know when the time is right to start the process that will begin the pain?

I’ve spent most of this week trying to sort out my own feelings, put my own desires into constructive order, to assess what I want or need against what I feel is wrong or right - and if the truth be told I’m still no closer to resolving my issues or facing the truth.

I think I’m trying to find the strength to have the conversation that will end "us". K and I have had problems communicating for a long time, we have in the past done the screaming and throwing of objects and reached the bags packed and "its all over" talks. Somehow though we have always reconciled our hurts and forgiven the verbal abuse raged at each other - We have begun again.

And for a while the "again" is good, the effort is made to do the right thing, think the right thought and share ourselves with each other. But though time is a great healer she is also a slovenly wench who allows us to fall into the trap of "complacency".

We don’t bother because we know each other so well, we don’t think to touch, kiss or hand hold because we've now been married for four years, we don’t communicate because we have nothing left to say so lets switch on the TV and see what Joey or Nip tuck has to say that might brighten our lives.

This weekend has made me realise that I’m scared of being alone but even more scared of spending the rest of my life in a relationship that has little or no meaning, love, passion or friendship. I don’t want to feel like the TV is our only form of communication and the occasional tit grope or ass pat our only form of physical contact.

My sulky soul berates me as I sit on the sofa stung by harsh words "there has to be more - demand it" and then I drink my way to the bottom of another bottle and the lush in my head screams at me "no wonder there isn’t any more, look at you, you drunken cow" and the fight continues until I don’t know whose side I am on.

I know in the depths of me that K loves me and I love him. It has to be - or this would be easier! But I do not know if this is enough. So still I rant and rave at the injustice of an imperfect marriage, but have no sensible tools for fixing it, for quantifying to the man I swore to love forever this pain in my heart and tears that feel like acid upon my face.

So still I ask - when is the right time?

Less Happy More Often
Once in a while,

We share a thought

But most of all we drift apart

Haven't you noticed

We seem less happy more often

And I don't know what to do

Whether to be with you

And I'm as sure as sure

I can't live without you

So what is to become of us

How do we get it back

I'm as certain as you

That I don't like it

When we embrace

The thrill is gone

But in reality we hardly touch at all

Haven't you noticed

We get more lonely

More often

And I don't know what to do

Whether to be with you

And I'm as sure as sure

I'm sure I can't live without you

So what is to become of us

Where do we go from here

I'm as upset as you

At how our love has gone

When we began

We shared a dream

And all our strength was in our unity

Haven't you noticed we seem less mighty

More helpless

I don't know what to do

I can't put the blame on you

But I can't blame myself

So it's neutral

So what is to become of us

How do we get it back

I'm as desperate as you

To be in love again

So what is to become of us

How do we get it back

I'm as desperate as you

To be in love again

Joan Armatrading - Lovers speak

Friday, April 01, 2005 at 12:52 pm

A blog for Helen and lotty

Aunty Hooch and Lady Letty, Mummy apologies for not blogging, but shes acting like she has her head stuck up her bottom for the last week or so - me I just like to lick mine.

So me and my sister Rosie decided to fill in whilst she is being "sulky".

Firstly this is me

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

And this is my sister Rosie.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

We have both settled into the trailer really well. I specially like my view through the window, I can see the sea and some very big mice - mummy keeps calling them wabits but I know they are mice and as soon as I find some smaller ones Im going to ask them if they want to play cat chase - one of my favourite games.

My current favourite game is "in or out" but mummy gets the grum when I try to play this at 3am - I thought you said she was an early bird... hmmmm .... sorry side tracked!

Daddy still hasnt fitted the cat flap that they brought last week, this is one more thing for mummy to nag him about, so we are still having to go out through the window. Rosie keeps teasing me cause she is of a slightly slimmer frame and manages to do this quite easily.

Me though Im a bit scared and have to work up to it. Mummy thought it was funny to take some pics of me leaving - which Rosie says I have to add...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Venturing out the window....

Me though I prefer this angle.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Well its been puurty fun to write. Im sure mummy will pull her fliping paw out next week and blog properly.

Miow to Lady Lotty.