Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

It seems like I have spent all my life packing boxes and transporting them to our trailer that seems to be ever decreasing in size. I know its really only been this weekend but every waking moment and thought is based around our need to clear our three bedroom house and insert all the stuff we had into a 35 by 15ft trailer. My mother’s loft is groaning under the boxes we have secretly secreted there. "Just a couple of boxes mum, wont take up too much space" - 10 boxes later we run for home hoping she wont have noticed.

We got most of the big stuff down to the trailer on Saturday, the road becoming a familiar blur as we did copious ground hog day journeys. If it hadn’t been for the radio I could have sworn we were stuck in some sort of freaky removal time warp continuum - destined to pick up and drop boxes until we had earned our release!

As the day drew to a close I did a real stupid thing and purchased copious amounts of beer from our local shop. I started to cook one of K's favourite meals, sausage casserole. My thinking was that we could spend our last Saturday night in this home that has become a house with full bellies - sat in our huge corner bath reminiscing and enjoying the sensation of being together. That was my idea anyway.

What actually happened was the DVD box set I brought K for his birthday went on and we slurped our way through two of the discs - sausage casserole bubbling away nicely. Halfway through the third disc I in my "I’m drunk and need to discuss life" way started my usual whining "talk to me, tell me how you feel, are we doing the right thing, do you love me" and as usually happens K got mad.

We shouted at each other about the importance of changing the toilet roll and who does or doesn’t do it. He said he was going back to London as he'd had enough of me. The sausage casserole and baked potatoes went out the back door against the wall and I began to unpack the joint boxes putting my stuff into one and his into another. We shouted some more about money and who owned what and somewhere in between repacking boxes and hurling harsh words at each other K went to bed and I fell asleep in the living room - Ahhh married bliss!

The next morning I woke with a bad head convinced we had agreed to part company (for the 15th, nay 25th time this year) I armed myself with hurt and expected the recriminations to begin but nope - K made me coffee and burnt some toast. When I said in my tart I’m not talking to you tone "I thought you were moving back to London" he said I was being "F***ing stupid and the only place he was moving to was the caravan". So we began packing up boxes again - yesterdays bizarre harmony and togetherness was sorely missed.

The day didn’t get much better. In fact the highlight was going for my first colonic - I have a friend who is training and needed a guinea pig - Hmmm something’s you just cant blog about!

On our last journey from mums I spied roses and CD's, brought from Morrisons, on the floor of the car – passengers side. Its the "thought that counts” the grateful part of my mind thought "Would have been nice if he had hidden them" - the ungrateful part sniped and with that I plunged myself into my morbid "where is the romance gone" mood.

I know it was a bad day for both of us because we went to sleep without kissing each other goodnight. A silly ritual we both go through but one that means we have agreed to disagree and are willing to put the days hurt aside. Tonight we are obviously still licking wounds and wondering why the other person is being so disagreeable.

So Im sat typing this sipping herbal tea wishing sleep would come and claim me - my main thought right now is "What do I bally well get him for Valentines Day?"

So I had my first meeting yesterday in my new peripatetic role in my new car-less situation . I was lucky enough to have one of our technicians offer to drop me off at college so I didn't have to catch a bus for 30 minutes into town (the wrong direction) to catch another bus for 40 mins back to North Tyneside College. If I had a car the journey would take about 15 mins.

As I sat in the college corridor contemplating young firm bodies and the cruelness of age and its sagging hysteria I heard someone call my name. Turning I spied Annemarie a lovely friend of mine whom I never contact and I always feel guilty about never contacting.

Annemarie and I went through our TA training together. She has three kids, two of whom she is still dragging into the world, one of whom - Scott - who has left home, met a girl and become a daddy. Annemarie split up with her husband many years ago - see how bad I am as a friend, I cant even remember when. She is someone I admire for her strength and determination to get on in life and get something better. Sometimes her striving for "something better" seems to me a little callous, but I know she has a good heart that wants the world to be a better place for everyone.

Yep, this gamault of thoughts flipped through my brain as I also thought - God she looks great. We exchange the usual "lets catch up" then she informs me that she is celebrating her 40th next Thursday by hitting Whitley Bay for 70's night. It freaks me a little that I have friends who are turning 40 - how is that possible, most of the time I still feel in my early 20's, either that or 13.

I kinda backdived and said we were moving the next day, so I probably wouldn't be able to make it. But now I feel guilty, why cant I make it? I'm off on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday next week. What excuse do I really have for not going out with someone I consider to be a friend to celebrate this milestone, sorry moment, in her life. Realisation number 1 - there is no excuse and I'm a bad person if I don't go!

I enter into the meeting I was waiting for and Im faced with a guy called Ray Craven. I have to remind myself each time I go to pronounce his name its "Ray not Wes" as I had been calling him Wes all last week. The meeting was strange as I thought I was there to discuss IT needs in one of out center's, but the admin person - Kerry - had her own agenda so the meeting didn't quite go as I thought it was meant to. However I did get what we needed from the college and I fulfilled my end by simply being there! By the way - Ray/Wes is a guy in his late forties early fifties and has a huge ginger handle bar moustache that droops into his coffee as he drinks. Realisation number 2 - PEOPLE ARE STRANGE and do STRANGE things with thier facial hair.

After a forty minute meeting that really could have been done on the phone I walked to the bus stop and, luckily, only waited 20 mins for a bus to take me to Newcastle (the wrong direction). I sat on the bus behind two grey haired old ladies discussing Eastenders and contemplated life in its general sense and because I didn't have my Personal stereo (not IT advanced enough for an I-pod) I deleted all the photos on my phone. Up until this journey I hadnt realised that I could block the side button from taking pics - found that little treasure of a button somewhere between Walker and Newcastle.

I get into Newcastle - a great city with great shops and a great night life - but one I haven't been in since... ERM... March last year - I don't do the shopping thang and I hate being squished in clubs!! I stand confused and lost infront of an electronic board showing times and destinations of busses. I spy the 25X which goes almost to Dudley and also to Blyth - Im a creature of habit and Ive caught the X25 before so I pull out my purse and climb aboard the bus. I pay the £1.60 to Dudley - God isn't public transport expensive - and head upstairs. The journey passes and I close my eyes for a couple of mins, the bus gently sways and suddenly I'm woken with saliva on my chin and the bus driver telling me we had arrived at Blyth - BLYTH - ahh bugger!

So I thank him for waking me so gently and run from the bus hoping he wouldn't remember I hadn't paid for this last leg of the journey. I sit in my empty living room wondering if I should tell the boss or if I should pretend that the meeting dragged on, Mick laughed. Realisation number 3 - Im too HONEST

The rest of the evening I spent packing up the smaller pictures and bits and pieces around the living room. The house is becoming empty and less mine. As the House Dr suggests I'm doing all the right things to be able to move out of these walls with as little pain as possible.

K got in about 7.15 and we caught up on our days. He had managed to resolve someone's computer problem, which he was dead chuffed with, and I frankly find very scary as K is an off/on, move mouse kinda computer guy, so what IT skills did this other person possess?

Whilst laughing at his peacock strutting I jumped up and thought bugger and bum - "its K's birthday tomorrow" I have brought him tickets to see Angie Dickson (maybe) at the Whitley Bay Playhouse in March as his main present, but I had also brought a card and a book as a little something for him to open. So I spend the next 40 mins unpacking all the boxes I've previously packed up cause I couldn't find his card or present - By 9.30 I still hadnt located the missing present so went to bed feeling very out of sinc.

I woke at 2am this morning with cold sweats, dreaming of boxes going missing, walls crumbling and buyers from hell demanding my trailer as recompense for having to live in my home.

I also had a migraine! I lay on the floor in the bathroom desperately seeking solace from the cold tiles - hoping they would sooth my pounding head. I was going to run a bath but the noise of the splashing water made me want to vomit and the idea of having to lift my head up from the floor was too much for my feebled mind and body to contemplate.

An hour later I made it into the kitchen and found some of my special "gonna die if I don't take them" tablets - I took two. These tablets are actually something my mum takes - she has various strange medical condtions and I don't even know what is in them. What I do know is that within about 20 mins of taking them the migraine runs away and my world becomes a wonderfully squidgy cloud like place.

I returned to my bed as the green light on my clock flickered to 4.56. Keefe would be up in 45 mins, so I snuggled into his warm back pressing my cold body firmly into his, stealing his warmth and I feeling the raptuous squidgyness of mummies drugs pull me into its depths. "Yppah Bifdag day" I mumbled to his should blades.

This morning I'm awake but still feeling ethereal and I'm floating between rooms thinking "oh I must...." myhhhm " maybe". I've cancelled the rest of the day cause I cant do anything more than float.

I must however go round to the shops to get a card and a little something for K. He wants gammon, eggs and chips for his birthday tea - "I can do that". Realisation number 4 - I would be a druggie if I could AFFORD It!

Well the week has once again flown by and all the stuff I was going to blog about seems now pale and trite. This weekend however was lovely. Bev and Simon (very old friends) came to stay and we talked, ate and drunk our way through two lovely days. It always warms my cynical cockles when I meet up with old friends and we fall into the "comfy slipper and cardigan" friendship - no pretense, no worrying about saying, doing, acting the right thing, cause whatever happens its the right thing.

So a big thank you to Bev and Simon, who not only reinforced my belief that marriages can work, but assisted us in getting rid of the base of our kingsize bed and a wardrobe.

It was also my brother, Shauns, birthday on Saturday. I called him on Friday thinking it was Friday but forgot to call back on Saturday. I am a bad beastly sister and I do not deserve him.

The buyers from hell are living up to their name, last week they were demanding we move out on the 11th, otherwise they would withdraw from the sale, on Friday I got a letter off my solicitor saying they were happy to move out on the 18th. Totally confused I'm now attempting to get hold of the solicitor to clarify exactly when we are supposed to be moving out. K says we should just go with the last letter and if they turn up this weekend that's their fault. Me personally would just like things to be clarified, is this too much to ask, so I'm going with the phone call. If it is the 18th things will fall into place nicely as we will be able to move things into the trailer this weekend. If its the 11th look out for huge explosions and very grumpy me.

I was cycling home tonight - still going strong - and it dawned on my how light the nights are getting. I'm not sure if I'm a SAD sufferer but like many people I often feel down through the winter period, yearning for the light summer nights and sun on my face.

I love the change of the seasons and I'm normally the one in my household to notice the small things as they change, buds on trees, brighter mornings, blue tits bringing bedding into the box on our wall. I always feel a wonderful sense of "new day, new morning" at these times and this evening the gorgeousness of the sky and the fact that I could actually still see the sea at 5.30pm just filled me with a happiness and contentedness I could hardly contain - Yuck I know but wtf it was how I felt!

So I pulled out my camera and took a couple of shots, most of them were cr*p, cause I'm def not a David Bailey, I'm still trying to get used to my camera and my hands were obviously shaking from my cycling exertions - these pics though kinda show my beach as I like it.

And as I've said before its so nice to cycle home and be greeted by this sight.

Okay, up till 4.30 this morning I was feeling relatively calm about my impending move into my mothers and then into the trailer - it didn't seem like any big thing.

We have managed to pass on the big bits of furniture to my brother and his girlfriend Jo. This weekend they collected our three piece suite, dining table, two side tables, various curtains and bedding, a king size mattress (we couldn't get the base down the stairs so it will have to be cut up and skipped) and a book shelf - which has left K and I sitting on a mattress in the living room.

Last night after cycling home feeling relatively calm I packed up a few more CD's and books. K has provided me with copious amounts of boxes from the old folks place where he works - No Hx I'm not having problems packing my belongings into boxes that used to contain nappies for adults - so the process of packing isn't a problem, but this morning whilst pondering my inability to sleep for more than four hours on the trot I was suddenly overtaken by a huge wave of panic.

We have got so much to do before the 11th and with me unable to drive and K working all day till 7pm there isn't an awful lot of time for us to get furniture and stuff sorted out and taken to relevant places.

Whilst lying in bed mentally packing things up it dawned on me that we have huge amounts of stuff, books and CD's, we have hundreds of them. K has boxes (I'm not joking) of records and tapes. And clothes - I only have three outfits so why is my wardrobe suddenly spilling forth clothes. When I open cupboard doors all I see is more stuff. I'm pretty sure we cleared lots of it away in the summer, but it seems to have bred over the winter and there's just stuff on top of stuff - bags of clothes, boxes of pictures, duevets, photographs, coat hangers, decorations, tools, files, records and kitchen appliances I didn't even know I had!!!

Where has it come from? I lay in bed twisting the sheets between my fingers *sweating* and suddenly I start thinking about all the bedding we own. Now we have three beds, so why do I have at least 12 sets of bedding - four with matching curtains and five duevets - Where is the need for two people to own this much bedding.

I attempt to calm myself by going downstairs and making a cup of herbal tea - I open the cupboard and suddenly I'm struck by MORE STUFF - but this time its food stuff. Two jars of coffee, bags of coffee beans, boxes of herbal tea, green tea, normal tea, Spices, herbs and cooking stuff, cans of food, three bottle of washing up liquid (it was on special), four boxes of washing powder (another special offer), bottles of Softner I tried but didnt like, Christmas puddings still not eaten, bags of pasta - wholemeal, plain and low carb, bottles of oil, garlic, balsamic, extra virgin, cans of beens and pulses I never know what to do with - *sweating*!

And as my brain whooshes into a time warp continuum overload my eyes hit the freezer and I'm pulling open drawers questioning the decision this weekend to stock up on pies for Keefe and frozen veg (just in case - I always buy fresh on Friday from our local grocers so why did I feel the need to buy four bags of microwave veg), low fat sausages, seafood and quorn.