I’ve spent most of this week trying to sort out my own feelings, put my own desires into constructive order, to assess what I want or need against what I feel is wrong or right - and if the truth be told I’m still no closer to resolving my issues or facing the truth.
I think I’m trying to find the strength to have the conversation that will end "us". K and I have had problems communicating for a long time, we have in the past done the screaming and throwing of objects and reached the bags packed and "its all over" talks. Somehow though we have always reconciled our hurts and forgiven the verbal abuse raged at each other - We have begun again.
And for a while the "again" is good, the effort is made to do the right thing, think the right thought and share ourselves with each other. But though time is a great healer she is also a slovenly wench who allows us to fall into the trap of "complacency".
We don’t bother because we know each other so well, we don’t think to touch, kiss or hand hold because we've now been married for four years, we don’t communicate because we have nothing left to say so lets switch on the TV and see what Joey or Nip tuck has to say that might brighten our lives.
This weekend has made me realise that I’m scared of being alone but even more scared of spending the rest of my life in a relationship that has little or no meaning, love, passion or friendship. I don’t want to feel like the TV is our only form of communication and the occasional tit grope or ass pat our only form of physical contact.
My sulky soul berates me as I sit on the sofa stung by harsh words "there has to be more - demand it" and then I drink my way to the bottom of another bottle and the lush in my head screams at me "no wonder there isn’t any more, look at you, you drunken cow" and the fight continues until I don’t know whose side I am on.
I know in the depths of me that K loves me and I love him. It has to be - or this would be easier! But I do not know if this is enough. So still I rant and rave at the injustice of an imperfect marriage, but have no sensible tools for fixing it, for quantifying to the man I swore to love forever this pain in my heart and tears that feel like acid upon my face.
So still I ask - when is the right time?
Less Happy More Often
Once in a while,
Once in a while,
We share a thought
But most of all we drift apart
Haven't you noticed
We seem less happy more often
And I don't know what to do
Whether to be with you
And I'm as sure as sure
I can't live without you
So what is to become of us
How do we get it back
I'm as certain as you
That I don't like it
When we embrace
The thrill is gone
But in reality we hardly touch at all
Haven't you noticed
We get more lonely
More often
And I don't know what to do
Whether to be with you
And I'm as sure as sure
I'm sure I can't live without you
So what is to become of us
Where do we go from here
I'm as upset as you
At how our love has gone
When we began
We shared a dream
And all our strength was in our unity
Haven't you noticed we seem less mighty
More helpless
I don't know what to do
I can't put the blame on you
But I can't blame myself
So it's neutral
So what is to become of us
How do we get it back
I'm as desperate as you
To be in love again
So what is to become of us
How do we get it back
I'm as desperate as you
To be in love again
Joan Armatrading - Lovers speak
