Posted by Hx on behalf of Shann ('cos she's havin' probs with her system)
Yes, I'm still plodding down the old relationship road and would like to say thanks for all the advice and worms of friendship offered.
This last week though I decided to seek out new companions, to see what handle I could espy from others who have done this journey. I talked to Jerry, who has done his own hard stint on this road and came up with two points for me to ponder.
Firstly he advised me to "know yourself, who you are, really, deeply, truly. Then listen to your heart, your feelings". I tried to figure out who I am and I found it totally hard - I have so many issues to deal with, years of self-loathing hidden behind a deep desire to please everyone and be accepted that I think years of therapy still wouldn't get me to the bottom of this quandary.
Secondly he advised "don't leave K for the sake of it, and don't stay for the sake of it" which at present seems even harder to deal with. I'm so confused as to where we are and where we are going. I'm treading the same ground over and over again, getting nowhere fast.
I went to visit a friend the other day, Carole, and we talked about K and me. Carole does psychic readings only I've never asked her to do one for me because now she knows me too well and I think she would be "biased".
Anyway I met Carole about four years ago, she used to be my neighbour, and she recalled the first time we met. It was about a month before K and I got married and I apparently said to her "I've met the man of my dreams, my soul mate" and she got a premonition/strong feeling of sadness and she thought "he might be, but your going to be very sad".
I asked her why she had never told me that and she said it was because she believed I needed to go through this relationship to resolve something else. So perhaps this pain and confusion is all part of my journey to a better me – cold comfort right now.
I feel like I'm just blocking as much of the loneliness whilst trying to figure out the right thing to do. Last year K and I split up and I went to live on my dads boat for a spell. Obviously feelings I dealt with then were pain, anger and confusion but then I found a strange sort of peace in the knowledge that if we were going to part there was some relief in the knowledge that the arguments, sniping and sadness would stop.
I know I love Keefe, as I've said before - over and over again to my dear friends, who have listened to me crying and bitching and declaring over and over again that this time I mean it, we're through (thanks Hx, Bill, Peter) - if I didn't still love him there wouldn't be this much hurt or confusion.
But Carole made me realise that I'm probably more in love with the Keefe who proposed to me, the one who was tender and caring and tactile and looked after me and cared what I thought. That Keefe I idolise and smile at. Keefe and I now just don't seem to have anything in common with those two people who were close, happy and together - So sad!
I've bored countless friends with my "I cant go on this way, with this much loneliness, marriage isn't supposed to be this way” and I almost become strong enough to act upon my hurt, but then I know that I'm going to cause him so much pain, that he will be so angry, confused and not understand what I'm saying, what I need and I don't want to hurt him because I love him – god I hate being this woman!!!
But I also know he can't change, he's tried but after a time of trying we return back to our status quo and I'm forced to face the inevitable truth that I'm not happy and not making him happy and the cycle continues round and round.
Someone please stop the world. I want to get off!!!
Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2
Friday, April 08, 2005 at 5:34 pm
Confusion reigns as I plod down relationship road.
Shannon said...
Thanks Milky, it is - as you know - a harder task than I first imagined. Ive spent a lot of this weekend sober - me?!?! - pondering this very thing, and truthfully still no closer to a solution, but getting there.
To answer truthfully your question "Can you picture yourself with this man in 10 yrs time" the answer is no. I cant imagine allowing myself to be this unhappy for that long. But Im still falling into the "I love him trap", need to get out of that one, before I can honestly move on.
Keep advising. More importantly - how many sleeps left?
~
Shannon said...
Milky, Ive read most of your blog and know that you are def in the "been there, got the t.shirt" camp. I really appreciate your advise and know what your saying makes perfect sence.
BUT - Argghhhh I love him!!!!
No seriously. Im now facing the inevitable, just working out the how, when and where Im going to run away to when it all happens.
I really dont think he wants to change, but neither can I accept that he is really happy with what we have. But I do know he is complacent enough to just let it roll out. So the change has to come from me.
But - God I love him!!!
;0)bear with me, I will become a sensible hard headed motivated cow soon!
~