This weekend has been a strange one - not only cause I got pie-eyed and waffled to Anne Marie but because K showed a flicker of his old self not once but twice and I found myself responding in a most un-natural and scary way.
The first flash came on Saturday. K had spent all day working and I'd done my normal tidy up and poodled round the trailer trying desperately not to think about not cracking open a bottle of wine or not plunging myself into deep relationship paranoia.
I attempted to stave off the former desire by drinking lots of water, doing some yoga and walking along the beach - it kinda worked, but god do I need the toilet lots!
As for the second state of self absorption I thought if I plunged myself into our wedding day it may evoke all those feelings of love and happiness I know were present then. Firstly I pulled out the pics, everyone looks so happy in them (except Hx who isn't smiling in a single pic - lol) and I felt myself beginning to grin. The only other thing I kept thinking was "god I've put on weight!"
I looked for the video a friend did - only of the ceremony and some personal messages from a few friends - but couldn't find it, I'm hoping we haven't recorded over it as it was the only copy we had.
Feeling slightly depressed that this wasn't stored with our fav videos I thought "surely if K cared about it that's where he would have put it" *Sulk* - and before anyone asks 'he is in charge of videos; I have to let him look after something - I turned to the CD's we had made up for this "special day".
BAAAAD move - I sat and blubbed for about 2hrs; patheticness at its best! Feeling at an all time lonely and pathetic I lay on the sofa and plunged myself into an abyss of primeval sadness - "Woe is me" cried out my pathetic little heart.
Suddenly the door opened and in walked K.
"Fancy going to Bruno's" (My favourite restaurant) he said and my little heart did a flip and then a bizarre and unfortunate twist began to happen - loosing all control of my facial muscles I felt my face contort into it "Nah not really" face and before I could tell my mouth to hush itself I mumbled "probably wont get a table anyway".
K not even slightly fazed said "I'll give em a ring" and he did and there weren't any tables till 9.30 which was too late but he booked one for this Saturday. K making plans - what the fluck?!?!
Then still reeling from Saturdays flash of K-ness I was plunged deeper into shock when out of no where he announced he'd been speaking to Robert, a friend of his, and Robert was doing a play in the Midlands somewhere in May and he, Keefe, thought it would be "nice for us to get away for a night, stay in a hotel"
huh, huh, whaaaaaa....
Now you might be thinking "you ungrateful cow, the guy is trying, be bally thankful" and seriously I'm still in shock over the whole thing but more importantly for me was my follow up feelings of "I'm not sure I can deal with this" .
With us outside of our pre-determined boundaries - I know I'm going to be sad where we are, I can deal with that, but what if we do these great things and we still cant find anything to talk about, laugh about, share and if I am brave enough to step out of our boundaries and we are still the same does this mean I really do have to accept that we are a dead and dying nothing?
Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 at 3:40 pm
What's it all about Alfie.
Hx said...
oi, someone had just taken a beer out of my hand, what did you expect? And you know I get ping pong eyes when I smile for pictures ! AND I was in a green dress . . . . be brave baby bird ! *virtual hug*
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Shannon said...
Hooch - I didnt realise you had had your beer stolen. Sorry babe, what an awful day you must have had - lol!
D_man - Im pretty certain I will be talking the talk, just not sure Im brave enough to walk the walk!
Voices - But I was told not to listen to them. Owww Im so confused!
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