Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

Once upon a time two souls met whilst traveling along "the road", they met at a junction and sat for a while enjoying life with each other, communicating, laughing and exploring the routes they could take.

They seemed perfect for each other - one of them wanted to be needed and the other needed to be wanted. So they decided to travel along the road together, as man and wife. But as with all stories things happened and choices were given, decisions were agreed upon and life choices were made - or at leasts that's what one of the souls thought. The other soul didn't agree with the choices but kept quiet and because of the silence the misunderstandings grew - the communicating, laughing and exploring stopped and resentment and despondency started.

The souls should have been grown up enough to accept the end of their traveling together, they should have parted company and travelled along thier own road, but along the way they had been joined by a little soul and they thought they could paper over the cracks in their particular road of choice.

Sadly even with the sunlight the little soul brought the rain still thrashed down hard on them and one night in a car park they spewed forth their contempt and hatred, hurt, fists, nails, teeth and anger abounded.

The two souls sat in sadness again at another junction and finally agreed that whilst they loved the little soul deeply they just didn't love each other enough to change: the soul who needed to be wanted was left wanting and the soul who wanted to be needed was left needing. This is the way of the road, its sad but true.

I am left neither lost, confused or looking for inspiration. I know which route I need to take, I have clarity and have found inspiration in my little soul.

I think this could be the end of this blog.

Sometimes when my world seemed to be tumbling into confussion and I didnt know which route, road or path I was supposed to be travelling down I would sit and get drunk and at the bottom of a bottle I would find oblivion or sometimes if I was really lucky solace.

Now Ive found if I just sit and do this



when I look down into his face the world suddenly makes sense.

I heard a thum, a thud, a scuffle - I thought a bird had flown into the open window.

But when I looked out of the window I saw this



I think she thought she could fool the birds into thinking she was just another feathered friend.



Its amazing how superior a cat can look, whilst your helping her get down from a difficult spot!

Should I apologies for my outburst or just put it down to hormones. Should I ignore the way I felt, especially as I was drunk, or is it time I actually faced reality and did what I need to do.

I'm not even sure what it is I need to do. I think I do but then I think again and its a different thought. Its a sad and scary world we are living in, one full of half truths and words unspoken. One full of hurt and silences.

Awww I've no idea what to do, how to make it better, I'm just stuck in this little life trying to make sure the bread doesn't land butter down too often.

I could rock the boat, but I'm not, currently, strong enough to live this life on my own. I don't know how to say the words. I don't even know if I want to.

Bugger -life goes on as they say.

I spend 40 minutes each day with a machine sucked on my tit so my husband can "feed" our child, gaining together time, bonding...

Its not uncomfortable, but it aint pretty... But I do it.. cause I felt it was important for K and my wee one to have time together...

Tonight I have sat watching K feeding the wee one whilst he, K watched TV, occasionally looking at the little guy, his main interest however was on the google box.

I felt demeaned and drunk, I felt sad and why, I felt wasted! I AM WASTED!

I've prepared a formula bottle, because I knew I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

And then K told me I was drunk. I was but we didn't talk about why I was drunk, we didn't talk about what we would do now I was drunk for Dylan. K just left the room, in a supercilious I'm sober walk and left.

So I sit here drunk, unable to feed my baby, and totally crap, I am a fat ****, I am unloveable, am sleazy, incapable of looking after a baby...........I'm left with nothing!

We spent the weekend in Cumbria with my oldest brother Shaun and his lovely girlfriend Jo. They are just such an amazing couple and it made me realise how far down the bad road K and I really have traveled.

Their relationship started pretty much the same time as ours and although they have gone the climbing mountains and canoeing route rather than the marriage and baby route they have maintained a relationship that is based on respect and admiration.

They still sit on the couch together and tactually stroke feet, hands, arms when talking. Hey lets face it they talk to each other and it seems even when they argue they still listen to what the other person is saying.

And the thing that really hit me was how much laughter they share.

It made me feel very sad!

Its an accepted fact that most women hate their bodies, or if your like me several parts of their bodies. Other than my boobs, my pet hate was my stomach - I always wanted one of those flat, six pack type bellies, but I was blessed with a rounded kangaroo pouch, not a big wobbly belly, but I've a rounded 'Rubenesk' belly.

However having had my belly stretched over nine months, with a sudden "expulsion" I'm left with a real jelly belly and to add insult to injury stretch marks that could compete with a road map of England.

My clothes that should fit don't fit cause my body shape has changed and I'm slowly having to adjust to this change. I have to admit its hard, there are times when I look at photos of myself and shudder - hence the reason there have been no pics of me and Dylan. I mainly delete them after seeing myself in them - Vain but true!

However it dawned on me last night whilst I sat feeding Dylan that in years to come he might want to look back and see pics of us. Surely he will love me, no matter what I look like - I'm his mommie.

So here it is - the first pic of me and my baby!!!