Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2

Like some primordial beast pregnancy cravings crept from my stomach and tapped at the door to my brain on Saturday night. “Must have pepperoni pizza, must have pineapple, must have diet coke” a verbal humming started and TripleB danced inside me to the slow but hypnotic beat.

“K”, said I, “Its time you for you to carry out one of the most important duties of a daddy to be”

“Hmm what’s that then” he mumbled, engrossed in Saturday night viewing.

“I need, no I want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Huh” he looked at me as one views a mad woman.

“I need, no I want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Oh fluck a duck, alright, where am I gonna get it from?” We spent the next ten minutes debating the pros and cons of attempting to order in, without a menu, or going to Asda. I vetoed this option; Asda would take at least 30 mins to get there, 20 mins for the shop, 30 mins to get back and then cooking time. Not knowing how these cravings work I figured I might have hit my “night time no eat or you puke rule” so we settled on Sainsburys which was only 10 mins up the road.

“Okay so what do you want?”

“Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

“Garlic Bread, Ice cream?” he suggested

“Hmmm” – I listened to the beat “Garlic bread would be nice, if you want some but I just want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.

K bundled up in coat and boots headed off to the car and I sat rubbing my belly trying to calm the beast and TripleB “food is coming”. I was filled with a warm glow and the little romantic part of me joined the dance “Ahhh how sweet that he is going to find food. My hero, the hunter, off in search of Pizza for his woman.”

The three of them, The Beast, Triple B and Romantic me all tied their napkins round their necks and waited with baited breath. The drums pounded to heady beat of Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and diet coke.

I switched on the oven in readiness, sorted out paper napkins and mayonnaise and sat watching the clock tick, tick tick past. 20 minutes later the hunter returned. I clasped the bag to me like an Ethiopian being given a food parcel.

“Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke” roared the beast. TripleB kicked in eager anticipation and I pulled the bright boxes from the plastic bag and there before me was two Sainsburys HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizzas, a tin of Pineapple chunks, two varieties of garlic bread and a bottle of port?!?!!?!?!

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza!” yelled the beast.

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza!” squealed TripleB.

“HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza! – Erm excuse me” mumbled romantic me and rushed away to hide.

“Erm… K…. “HALF FAT Pepperoni Pizza?”

“Yeah it was the only one they had that had Pepperoni on it” He settled himself in front of the TV and switched on his film “Mona Lisa”.

Erm K – what about the diet coke?

“Oh hell, I knew there was something else” The TV was turned up and he settled himself on the sofa obviously content in the knowledge that he had hunted and gathered to the best of his ability.

A snotty voice snivelled its way into the screaming rampaging noise created by The Beast and TripleB. “Should have gone yourself,” said snidey me.

“Shut the hell up” I mumbled as I covered the top of my pizza with pineapple and added cheese. “Want extra cheese on yours K?”

"Be nice, he tried his best" urged romantic me from the dark corners of my hunger.
Putting the two discs of pepperoni pregnancy placating pizzas into the oven I read the destructions. 12 minutes. Tick, tick, tick. I checked the Pizzas and was a slightly uncomfortable at the pale anaemic and soggy look, the beast’s drums pounded hard, TripleB kicked my liver "Food, Pizza, diet coke"!!!

Another 5 mins -Tick, tick, Tick.

The Pizza’s were pulled from the oven, still slightly anaemic and a bit soggy but hot and cooked. K and I settled ourselfs and I eagerly picked up a slice of pizza hoping it would quell the burning desire and screams raging within my body.

“Hmmmm - Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple” murmured the beast in a Homeresque chant.

“Urgh… um…” chew, keep chewing" The drums stopped and the primordial beast and TripleB stopped dancing “HUH” they both asked “What the hell is this muck?” I looked at K and was glad to see that he too had a look of slight disgust on his face.

“K this is awful” I put down my plate and poked at the pineapple. “Hmmm” he mumbled, stuffing another slice in his mouth “Its not very nice is it”. I sat upon the sofa panicked by the now crashing need that was over taking me “I need, no want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”. Romantic me simpered in the corner again “Don’t worry, he will go out and get another one, he will, just give him time”

Snotty, snide me giggled, “No bloody way, you know if you want it your going to have to go get it yourself”.

“No I’m not” I sulked.

“Yes you are” sniped snidey me.

“No I’m not, K will surely suggest we get another one at the end of the film”. I took the offending article and dumped the plastic promise in the bin, but not before picking off the pineapple and cheese.

The beast roared and pounded in side me, the craving for pepperoni almost taking my breath away, "Just one bite, just one slice, just one pizza!" To take my mind off the pounding and kicking raging inside I took myself off to bed and read. Drink water I raged at myself, that will kill the need.

The title music to "Mona Lisa" swirled into the bedroom. I heard K’s footsteps approaching, the beast fell silent panting slowly, a low growl emitting from its hungry thoat.Here it was, he would surely say it….

“You missed a good film”. Now he would say it now. I nodded the universal “humph” nod and said, “I didnt miss it, I just didn’t fancy watching it”.

“Oh! Want a cup of tea or something?”

“Waaaaaaa” wailed the beast.

“No I need, want, gotta have Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke” roared the beast inside me again”. This time the universal “shake of the head” was used and he returned to the living room.

“Told ya so” snivelled snidey me.

“Shut up” I snapped back, drinking another half litre of water. I pulled my book to me and attempted to ignore the beast. At 3.15am I woke tears streaming down my face. “ Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”. Shshhhh” I soothed, stroking my stomach, “as soon as the shops open mommie will go and get it for you – Shshshshhhs”

The slow movement of the clock taunting us in our need and desperation “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”. The steady beat of this craving over took me in waves of need I have never experienced before.

Finally the clock hit 9.30 and I was out of bed, washed and dressed as quickly as possible. I sneaked into the living room; K lay on the sofa snoring his head off and dead to the world.

I switched on the cooker and quicker than Jack Flash I was in the car and heading to Sainsburys accompanied by the pitiful wail of the beast “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”.

Inside the shop and I began the hunt, “They must have more than one type of pepperoni pizza, they must” I mumbled the beasts mantra “Want, want, want Pepperoni Pizza, want, want, want Pineapple, want, want, want Diet coke”; suddenly heavenly music filled my ears and celestial light shone down into the freezer section and there before me was four whole freezers full of pizza – pizza with chicken ticka, pizza with extra cheese, ham and pineapple, all day breakfast pizza, my eyes searched frantically, the music filling my head as they sudden espied the most glorious sight ever “Goodfellas pizza – double pepperoni and cheese”.

My whole body, the beast, TripleB and the collective me’s heaved a sigh of pleasure, the drum beat stopped and every one joined hands and danced around in circles like children “We got Pepperoni Pizza, we got pineapple, we got diet coke”. My basket filled with all the necessary pleasures I paid the lady at the counter the pennies she required and headed home.

Hurrying into the caravan I was greeted by a cheery “Morning, did you switch the cooker on or did you leave it on last night”

“No, I switched it on this morning, you haven’t switched it off have you”

Yeah – just now”.

“Turn it BACK ON” snidey me yelled. K approached me warily, “Where ya been?”.

“Sainsburys”. His eyes fell upon the bags “needed Pizza”.

A sneer came upon his face. “Oh yeah, cause I did it wrong didn’t I, I got the wrong Pizza”.

“Well – DUH – Yeah, lesson learnt though” I snapped, “If I’m craving something I will just go get it myself”

And as World War 369 kicked off in the heaven I call home the beast purred “Pepperoni Pizza with Pineapple and Diet coke”.