I've spent a lot of time musing over when I was going to have the conversation or as I like to refer to it start along the relationship road and someone, mention no names, very recently said to me it will just happen. Only I just didn't expect it to happen last night in the way that it did.
Firstly I need to set the scene. Did I hear you yawn?
A couple of weeks ago Hx said she was going on holliers in Spain and I thought it would be lovely to join her, so I raised the question of Holidays with K. Obviously he didn't know what holidays he could take but did say he could only take time off in school holidays. I kinda questioned whether he would be bothered if I went on my own. He shrugged and said "suppose not". To which I in my infinite womanly way read as "Nope, go hunney, have fun".
So last night I queried again about holidays, I had decided that if he had less time off than me I would definitely book the tickets. He still hadn't bothered to find out what holiday entitlement he had, so I raised the question again - this time I got the response "I suppose so, if you can afford it".
Happy in my own little world of holiday plans I yabbered on about the soup I had done for our tea, explaining "we would have to stop off on our way to the Valley Players AGM to pick up some bread but at least we could have something quick when we got back".
"huh" he said.
"The AGM - its tonight" said I.
"oh f**k that's all I need, well I suppose we had better get going then" said he.
So off we set. Both of us seated in the car, seat belts belted and Keefe doing his myopic reversing. I looked over my shoulder and saw a car approaching from the left - fast!.
"Stop" I yelled. The car continued to reverse "K watch it". The car continued its inexplicable journey backwards. The other car beginning to swerve. "K WATCH IT- THERE IS A CAR" the breaks finally compressed and we stopped. The other car driver looked at us as if we were obviously mad reversy people!!!
"Didn't you see it?" I asked "Didn't you hear me say stop?"
Snarling "I saw it in the rear view mirror, I was stopping".
"Yeah but I saw it approaching, you just didn't listen to me" I whined.
"I couldn't see it cause you were in the way"
"You said you saw it"
"Not till it was in the rear view mirror."
"Well why didn't you stop when I said stop?"
"We didn't f**king hit it!"
I fumed silently and looked out the window, we had an AGM to get to and so far we had only traveled about 200 yards. I couldn't stop my mouth as it muttered "I was just saying I saw it and said stop, you just don't listen to me"
"OOOOhhhh and your always right" mutter mutter mutter he went.
As we approached the junction to leave the holiday park I said "look I saw it, I said stop"
"Oh shut up you stupid b**ch".
I exploded with a cold anger and replied, with a non too pithy or intelligent, "No YOU shut up you barstuard".
The door was flung open and I flung myself from the car slamming NiKolas Paul Viscount Peabody's door like I had never slammed it before. I stormed towards the trailer muttering under my breath about AGM's, Men and the world "flucking" itself.
K was in the living room as I entered the trailer and he snarled at me "So what the F**k is up with you now".
"Whats up with me - is that I'm not prepared to have you speak to me like that any more, I wont be called a bitch or be told to shut up".
The way I talk to you, your having a f**king laugh! What about the way you talk to me? I've tried to do everything you ask me and every time I do something I'm just F**king criticised.
"Well" I taunted, voice snide, "Perhaps if you did things properly I wouldn't have anything to criticise".
"Oh for F**ks sake what the F**k have I done wrong this F**king time.
"I'm not even going to get into the K" I almost screamed at him "It would take too F**king long and you wouldn't listen anyway". Off I stormed into the smallest bedroom in the trailer and stood clenching my fists, trying to calm down.
Two deep breaths later and before I could stop myself I was back in the hall and in a deathly calm voice I heard myself saying "K if that's really how you feel then we've got nothing else to say - perhaps we should talk about Divorce" (The D Word - for Hx)
"Oh now, it comes" he gloated at me, hands gyrating in some sort of suedo black hip hopster way. "I f**king knew it", I've waited for two weeks for this. You f**king selfish bitch. I've done every thing you have ever asked (my eye brow almost hit the roof) I've given up everything to be with you, I moved from London, I gave up our house and I moved into this f**king shit hole and "I f**king knew it, I just knew this was going to all go f**king pear shaped. Ever since you f**king mentioned that stupid f**king holiday two weeks ago.
"Holiday" I fumed back at him. "This has got nothing to do with the holiday and its not just been a few weeks. This has been going on for months, the reason I wanted to go on the holiday was to get the f**k away from you".
What the f**k is it you want. F**king romance and f**king flowers all the time?
Our eyes locked, almost panting in anger I replied "No K, not all the time, just some of the time would have been nice". He turned and stormed back into the Living room and I stormed into the bedroom searching for something to do.
Ironing! - ironing calms me down, so I did what I do best when I'm upset - I pulled out the ironing board and went in search of something to iron. Calm ... calm.... calm....
7 sweatshirts, 8 t-shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of my work trousers and a couple of tops and I was a calm, centered soul - didn't I already know this was going to come one day!
I walked out into the living room and K was doing what he does best - watching TV and feeding his face. I put some of my homemade soup into a bowl and put it into the microwave - seeking calm I left the living room and went off to find something else to occupy my mind.
Filing - So I filed all our old correspondence - shredding the necessary bits and pieces - the small world of destruction calming me. The mircrowave pinged and I returned to the living room to see K sprawled on the sofa watching some bizarre horror flick where a woman was being murdered, cigarette in his hand and the FUCKING WINDOW CLOSED!!!!!
One of the things I've asked K to do on a regular basis - because I gave up smoking two years ago - is open the window when he is having a cigarette, I'm sure he only did it to annoy me - I could be jumping to conclusions - but doors were slammed and I could have "tutted" my way to a gold medal.
I returned to the little bed room and continued to tidy up. I contemplated sleeping in there but then thought "no why should I be uncomfortable" (not that the bed is in the least bit uncomfortable, its actually quite snuggly) and went through to our bedroom where I leisurely prepared myself for bed - Shower, moisturised, eyebrow pluck et al, I climbed between clean sheets and read myself into noddy head land.
About 11.30 I felt the second duvet (I always sleep with two duvets on my bed) being pulled off the bed. I didn't move. The cold swept in and I lay contemplating a night with only one duvet, Rosie came and joined me and I pulled her under the covers not just for warmth but for a much needed cuddle. She purred in my ear and soothed the welling tears.
At 12.30 I crept (crept in my own home) into the spare bedroom and sneaked the spare duvet back into the bedroom - warm again I crawled under the covers and hibernated from the hurt.
This morning I lay from 5.40am listening to K shuffling round the trailer; coughing his way through his much required coffee and morning cigarettes. K left at 6.38 - two minutes before my alarm was due to bid me into the world of work.
So when all is said and done I guess I've started down that strange road I saw last week. I'm still not sure, even with D_mans advice about Ewoks, about this journey - to tell you the truth I'm bloody scared!
Lost confused and looking for Inspiration - Stage 2
Thursday, May 05, 2005 at 7:42 am
Oh my god - I used the D word and it wasn't D-man!
Wild Mood Swings said...
Well FCUK me old boot's that was a bloody entry and a half , initially I thought of MILKY blogging was how we all met courtesy of the NZ herald over similar issues but this in police term's sounds as though we could be heading for T29X
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Shannon said...
Porl *looking confussed* didnt the link come via Hx. Im very confusticated and emotional so could be wrong!
In the meantime whats a T29X?
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Shannon said...
Ahh D_man I never said we had a D-word conversation, I just said I said the D-word.
Like Ewoks my emotional instability only allows me to take little steps forwards - which explains why this journey has been such a long one. For like drunken Ewoks I also tend to take more steps backwards than forwards!
The word has been used, now I need to assess how he reacts, this time the ball will be left firmly in his court, Ive decided not to pick it up and run with it until he makes a move.
Not sure how many baby steps it will take, but the journey continues on!
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Shannon said...
Milky - sorry for making you cry. I cant leave him, but we can cry together in Spain - Ive booked my tickets!!!!
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